The Buck Stops At Auntie....

The In-Laws went back to sunny FLA yesterday. They'd been here for a few days for a pre-pinnacle of forced Merriment and Mass Merchandising season visit.
It was lovely to see all of them and as one often says we-don't-see-each-other-lets-do-this-again-soon and this time The Mister and I actually meant it.

However I should tell y'all that it snowed last night. Like, a lot. As Steph has been known to say, it was " Snowmaggedon. "

Anywho, as I was saying, The Buck Stops At Auntie.
Let me paint y'all a picture;

My 2-year old Niece: ( displaying the beginnings an Oprah-worthy Ugly Cry for no good reason..) **Sniff, sniff, snort, curl of lip ** WAAAAHHHHH. WAH WAH WAHHHHH !

Me ( tenderly as possible, but I ain't playing, yo.): Hey, there is no crying at Auntie's house.

My Niece: ( slightly taken aback that someone has told her that crying is not allowed )** Sniff ( pause ) sniff, sniff, ( pause ) boogers descend from nose, lip curls again ** WAAHH-

Me: Excuse me, I told you crying was not allowed at Auntie's house.

My Niece: ( processing this new information with a slight WTF look on her face ) ** Sucks boogers back up into her nose with the force of a Hoover vacuum and tentatively attempts whining instead ** Eeeehhhh...uhhh....waah..

Me: Listen, I'm sorry, but crying and whining is not allowed. This is Auntie's house and she pays the bills. So the only person who gets to cry around here is me, ok ?

My Niece: ( nodding ) ** sucks back more boogs with epic suction force **

Me: Are you ok now ?

My Niece: ( wipes nose on sleeve ) Yesh.

FAST FORWARD SIX HOURS....

My Niece: ( again with the crying bit...) WAHH WAAAHHHH-

Me: Hey, there is no crying at Auntie's. Remember ?

My Niece: ( nods her head ) ** sucks back boogers ** Yesh. ** goes on about her business **

FAST FORWARD.....

My Niece: ( over tired and fighting bedtime )** rubs eyes, binkie hanging loosely from her mouth ** Eeeehhh, uhuuuu, mmmmmhh, weeeennn, eeeehhss......

Me: ( carrying her to the bedroom )Come on, it's time for little girls to go to bed now.

MN: ( Crawls into bed ) ** fuss fuss whhhhhinnee, rubs eyes **

Me: ( pulls the blankets over her ) I'm going to put the blankets over you, you close your eyes and go to sleep.

MN: **Snores **

THE NEXT DAY....

MN ( on a crazy, mad powdered sugar induced spaz attack ) ** doing laps around the house and occasionally stopping in the kitchen to butt her head against my thigh ** SQQUEEEE !! AAAAA HAAAAA !! NA NA NA NA !! HEHEHEHEHEHE !!!

** Stops a lap in the kitchen, falls onto the floor and begins performance art that can best be described as a cross between peddling an invisible bike and moshing **

Me ( staring at MN spazzing out on the kitchen floor ): That's it. You've had enough. You're cut off.

MN: ( looking up at me from the floor ) No ! You off ! ** giggles uncontrollably **

Me: Nope, YOU'RE cut off.

MN: ** points at me ** No. YOU OFF !

Me: Gimme your keys, I'm calling you a cab.

MN: CAWING UM' ! ( I'll translate.. " G'head Auntie, call a cab." )

Me: ( putting plate of xmas cookies out of her reach ) That's it, we're closing up. We're skipping last call tonight. Besides, you've had enough.

MN: ( face down on the cold stone tile of the kitchen floor, beginning her sugar crash ) I OFF !

Me: You said it girlfriend.

So I guess I can add " Getting a two year old to behave " to my list of Mad Skillz.

You thought I was kidding about the powdered sugar induced spaz attack.

She licked the spilled powered sugar off the counter after we made xmas cookies.

Spaz Attack in 3........2...........1

XXOO
Bunny

a.k.a Auntie

Eleven Days Till Santa Comes.........

Hope everyone has been nice !

XO

Bunny

The Countdown Begins.

I have seven days of full time employment left as of today.

Start your collective timers now.......tick..tick..tick.

I've started and trashed about five blog posts with regard to why I decided to relinquish my job, but I seem to have a hard time ordering my thoughts and nothing I'd written made any sense.

Perhaps another day.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Now, onto the forced merriment and mass merchandising season..... The Mister has become infused with the holiday spirit as of late. The xmas tunes have been flowing like vodka around here. We've been on a steady diet of Lou Rawls, Harry Connick Jr, et al for about a week now. He made cookies the other day. He's mentioned purchasing a tree a few times now.

Me ? Meh. I'd prefer to go from Halloween right onto Groundhog Day. The holidays don't do too much for me. They never have. But I'm going to take one for the team and deck my halls with made-in-China boughs of Holly from WalMart and smile while I'm doing it.

Just an FYI, my favorite xmas tune....that you hardly ever hear anymore....is Cheech and Chong's Christmas Song. I believe the correct name of the song is " Santa Claus and His Old Lady " Click on the Santa Claus and His Old Lady listed on the right hand side.
Hilarious. Cracks me up every stinkin time.

Gotta go get ready for work.
Smell ya later.

XO
Bunny

The Untitled Post About That Time I Quit My Job.

Ummm.......y'all read that correctly.

I gave my notice at work about two weeks ago.

I have eleven days of full time employment left.

I bet you're all thinking What kinda dumbass quits a stable, full time job during a recession ??!!.

Ummm.......that would be me.

I'd take the time to explain, but I spent eleven hours in my car today and well, I'm really fucking tired.

Film at 11.

XXOO
Bunny

P.S. For some 140 character or less entertainment y'all should check out my twitter account/page/profile.

P.P.S WHY THE FUCK WILL THIS GUY NOT GO THE HELL AWAY ! UGH !

The Best Show Ever.

I don't know about y'all, but I feel like throwing on a white linen jacket and rolling up the sleeves.

XO

Bunny

Fear And Loathing In Home Depot.

I've been feeling very expressive lately. Not sure exactly why, but it seems that I've got a lot to say these days.
I've just got blog posts coming out of my ears.........
So I'm just gonna go with it and ride the wave.

Cause sooner or later, and given that the mass merchandising and forced merriment season is upon us probably sooner rather than later, I will be constitutionally unable to do anything other than soak my flappy ass is in the tub with an issue of Oprah or House Beautiful and a screwdriver set neatly on the edge of the tub and the blog posts will dry up faster than Martha Stewart's cooch.

The Mister calls the whole magazine-cocktail-tub routine " Lifestyles of The Bitchy and Shameless ".

Anywho......back to the Big Orange Home Improvement Mega Store.

We went to The Depot earlier today. I needed a replacement tub handle. Three little things to replace the circa 1976 tub handle in the upstairs bath.
We went to The Depot for three things and left an hour and forty-five minutes later with a significant amount of cash divested from our wallet.

What is it about The Depot ?

I get in there and it's like some sort of weird vacuum.....you get sucked in and cannot manage to get out without spending at least fifty clams.

I'm not sure if any of you do this too, but partner A will ask partner B if they are wrapped up and ready to leave, and partner A says " Yes " and they begin their trek to the registers.

Inevitably someone will get distracted by lighting fixtures or paint brushes or duct tape or whatever and then BAM...another twenty minutes have passed and twenty five more dollars worth of stuff is added to the cart.

I suppose part of it might be that ol' false sense of Bob Vila-ness that The Depot inspires.

I fall victim to the Vila-itis sometimes.

I'll see some neato thing to improve our home and I get all starry eyed and in my head I've got 150 recessed lights strategically placed all over our house.

This would be one of the times that The Mister keeps me from swinging on the crazy tree. Or perhaps provides me with the oft needed reality check. You wonder why The Mister looks older than me..... he has to spend fifteen minutes explaining to me that you just can't go throwing recessed lights up in the ceiling like it ain't no thang.....

The Depot has reworked their customer service and the employees are TOO FREAKING HAPPY to ask you if they can help you find anything or order $5oo worth of custom glass tile or can we load a pallet of 1x6's into your trunk or how 'bout some nice paint......

And I'm all like " Gee, they're so nice here...."

The Mister says the old dudes in the orange aprons fall all over themselves to help me because, as I've said previously, I've got some all-star melons.

::::: sigh :::::

I need to stay away from The Depot.

Happy Saturday !

XoXo
Bunny

Retro Music Friday - The Mister's Fan Club, Population One And A Half.

So it seems our niece has some mad, mad love for her Uncle. There is a picture of The Mister on her fridge and it has been related to us that she will frequently point to her Uncle and say " Dat's Bwock. "

The fun doesn't end there.....

She got a toy cell phone for her birthday and, I suppose due largely to her female DNA, ( not stereotyping here but..) she loves to talk on her phone. When asked whom she is speaking, she replies " I tawking to Bwock. "

However, should one try to pry the phone from her hands the shrieking begins;

" NOOOOO ! I TAWKING TO BWOCK ! NOOO ! "

So to avoid the shrieking she now gets to sleep with her phone.

Wait, there's more.....

After she's gone off to bed ( with her phone ) she lies in bed on her back with her little legs bent up, resting one leg over the other, chatting with " Bwock ".

Word is these " conversations " are quite lengthy.

I think the allure to Uncle The Mister lies in the fact that he seems to be the only person she regularly talks to on the phone.

I suppose that's kind of a big thing in the life of a toddler. You know, someone on the phone that actually WANTS to talk to you.

She and her parents will be coming for Christmas this year, so it'll be interesting to see how our niece reacts to the live version of Uncle Bwock.

With regard to The Mister's fan club, I am the One, my niece is the Half.

I heard Livin' La Vida Loca twice on the radio this week. But instead of torturing all of you with LLVL, I am giving you..........

The Cup Of Life from the 1999 Grammy's. I remember watching this on TV at the time and was quite impressed with Ricky Martin's performance.

Why are all the hot ones gay ?

::::::::sigh:::::::::::

Originally released in 1998 as a part of the World Cup being held in France that year.

Uncle Bwock and I got married in 1998. We were both 22.

I still look 22.

The Mister, well........ guys just get more distinguished with age don't they ?

Women just get old.

The Mister does not like the the fact that I look.....ummm.......more than a few years younger than he. I'm actually older than him, but our age difference is negligible at best.

When The Miser gets his panties in a twist over our perceived age difference, I put it to him like this......people probably think he must be hot stuff to have a trophy wife such as myself.

XOXO

Bunny