Retro Music Friday - The Deal With The Unicorns.

I should probably put the reference to the Unicorns in the last post in the proper context. I realize that perhaps it seemed a wee bit random.

Ok - get comfy people. This is a long story. Think Homer's Odyssey.

Feel free to hit the bathroom if you need to first...you know....get a drink while you're up. You may want to put your cell over to VM.

Ok. Here goes;

Myself and a co-worker ( " J " )** are co-case managers to a married couple.

Yes, mentally disabled people get married....they are just like you and I. Except they are constitutionally incapable of learning from their mistakes...which is largely why I am employed. If you think about it though, isn't repeating the same sequence of actions and expecting a different outcome every time the clinical definition of insanity ? So really my career entails keeping people from fitting the clinical definition of insanity......does that make me insane by proxy ???? And people wonder why I seem unbalanced at times.

As I was saying....this married couple are moving to a new apartment very soon. So my co-worker and I have been preparing them for their upcoming move. We quickly discovered that this couple are hoarders. Well, maybe not hoarders.....but they seem to be under the impression that you must keep every gift that anyone ever gave you in your lifetime. I have explained to them many,many,many times that it is really OK to part with things. I seem to have the privilege of being the only person they will collectively listen to when it comes to tossing crap. I've found that the best approach with this couple is the " take no prisoners " attitude to tossing stuff. I go through closets / drawers / cabinets like the Tasmanian devil and give them about 2.3 seconds to decided whether or not to keep an item....no time to think in great detail on their part. Seems to be working so far.

At any rate, my client and I had spent about two hours earlier in the week going through bags and boxes they had packed ( Pyrex wrapped in polo shirts ??? ) continuing to toss, reorganize and repack some things. We made pretty good progress too.

As we were getting ready to wrap up the de-crapping party I turned around to spy a HUGE stuffed purple unicorn in the back corner of the room. So I asked my client....

( pointing ) " What is THAT ? "

To which she responded;

" A Unicorn ".

OK, I asked for that one....dumb question, dumb answer.

She continued;

" I have another one in the closet. "

So I said;

" Go and get it. "

She appeared fifteen seconds later with a white version of the purple Unicorn. I'm sure the look on my face as I stood in the presence of two HUGE stuffed unicorns could have most aptly been described as Epic WTF.

Then I thought to myself;

" They DO. NOT. pay me enough to pack up and move two HUGE Unicorns. No. No. No. No. No. "

The look on " J's" face read of ; " Oh. My. God. This is all you girlfriend. " She understanding very well that if anyone was going to convince them that perhaps it was time to part with the Unicorns it was going to be me. We've been calling my weird, Svengali-like influence over these two clients " Jedi Mind Control " .

After much talking and debating and perhaps a little bit of bribing I finally convinced them to give the Unicorns away, " J " and I both realizing that the only appropriate home for them being a dumpster. However I promised to find the Unicorns a good home.

So off I go, down a flight of stairs, trotting out to my car ( although I happened to have Hub's Highlander on this particular day ) with two HUGE Unicorns ( among other things ) under each arm.

Stop and try to get a visual of that for a sec........

I asked " J " if A)I would be eligible for workman's comp if I go ass over teakettle down a flight of stairs carrying two Unicorns and B) what would the internal incident report read if the aforementioned scenario did actually happen.

Fast forward ten minutes or so to " J " and I standing in the parking lot with a massive load of crap we pulled out of our client's apartment. We contemplated putting some of it ( including the Unicorns ) in the dumpster. However these two clients have a habit of spying on the coming and goings in the parking lot. So we knew they were watching us. And as I had promised to give the Uni's a good home I was obligated to drive away with them in the back of The Mister's car. Before I packed them up I started singing.........

" I always feel like.....( client's name) is watching meeeee....."

This is Somebody's Watching Me by Rockwell. 1984 - I was eight. Rockwell is Berry Gordy's son. Michael Jackson is doing background vocals if you listen closely.

On with the story......

I drove home with the Uni's ( among other things ) in the back of The Mister's car. He too saw the absurdity in my current situation and had himself quite a hearty laugh or two at my expense. I told him I was going to put them on the front lawn with a sign that read Free To A Good Home. To which The Mister responded " No. No you're not. " He doesn't want to be Those People, remember ?

Ok, so Plan A was out the window.

Fast forward to yesterday. I was still driving around with these freakin' Unicorns in the back of The Mister's car. I tried to donate them to THREE different charities with no luck. Apparently charities are no longer allowed to accept stuffed animals - you know - mites and shit. I also made way too many phone calls regarding this matter. Really. Occupying the top slot on my To-Do list yesterday was Rid Thyself of Unicorns.

Anywho.....I still had custody of these damn things at 2 PM yesterday. Yep. I spent nearly an entire day trying to rid myself of these things.

At one point I had loaded up The Mister's car with so much crap that the Uni's were now sitting high up in the back of the Highlander. Every time I drove over a bump their demonic looking faces bobbed up and down in the rear view mirror as if to mock me. It was really starting to creep me out after a while.

Then as I was picking up yet more stuff yesterday I had all the doors and the hatch to the Highlander open while I was in the parking lot of an assisted living facility. I had so much athematic junk in my car.....including the damn Uni's....that I started to talk to myself out loud about how my life has become an exercise in ridiculousness. I realized now that it may have appeared to some that I was a crazy homeless person who had been living out of my car.

Ok, wrapping this up.

I finally found a kind individual who let me put the Uni's in their dumpster.

But if asked I will disavow any knowledge of the Uni's whereabouts.

My God that was a long story.

In the back of my mind I am seeing Therese sitting at her kitchen table, reading this post on my blog, laughing her ass off ( so much so that she's probably trying to call Todd over so he can read along, but she can't quite get the words out due to iced caramel macchiato spewing from her nose....) at the visual of me trotting down a flight of stairs with two HUGE Unicorns under each of my arms.

Xooo

Bunny

**There are many reasons that I am quite fond of " J ". Perhaps number One being that she and I had gone to Building 19 to buy furniture for the same two clients ( dudes.....if you've not been to Building 19...you're really not missing much. ). As we entered the building she had accidentally walked in through the out door. To which I remarked " Gee..all you really need now is raspberry beret. " To which she reached in her bag, whipped out a raspberry colored knitted beret and slapped it oh-so-jauntily on her head. Not only did she get the reference ( I can be somewhat obscure at times...) but she had a RASPBERRY BERET IN HER BAG !