The Best Show Ever.

I don't know about y'all, but I feel like throwing on a white linen jacket and rolling up the sleeves.

XO

Bunny

Fear And Loathing In Home Depot.

I've been feeling very expressive lately. Not sure exactly why, but it seems that I've got a lot to say these days.
I've just got blog posts coming out of my ears.........
So I'm just gonna go with it and ride the wave.

Cause sooner or later, and given that the mass merchandising and forced merriment season is upon us probably sooner rather than later, I will be constitutionally unable to do anything other than soak my flappy ass is in the tub with an issue of Oprah or House Beautiful and a screwdriver set neatly on the edge of the tub and the blog posts will dry up faster than Martha Stewart's cooch.

The Mister calls the whole magazine-cocktail-tub routine " Lifestyles of The Bitchy and Shameless ".

Anywho......back to the Big Orange Home Improvement Mega Store.

We went to The Depot earlier today. I needed a replacement tub handle. Three little things to replace the circa 1976 tub handle in the upstairs bath.
We went to The Depot for three things and left an hour and forty-five minutes later with a significant amount of cash divested from our wallet.

What is it about The Depot ?

I get in there and it's like some sort of weird vacuum.....you get sucked in and cannot manage to get out without spending at least fifty clams.

I'm not sure if any of you do this too, but partner A will ask partner B if they are wrapped up and ready to leave, and partner A says " Yes " and they begin their trek to the registers.

Inevitably someone will get distracted by lighting fixtures or paint brushes or duct tape or whatever and then BAM...another twenty minutes have passed and twenty five more dollars worth of stuff is added to the cart.

I suppose part of it might be that ol' false sense of Bob Vila-ness that The Depot inspires.

I fall victim to the Vila-itis sometimes.

I'll see some neato thing to improve our home and I get all starry eyed and in my head I've got 150 recessed lights strategically placed all over our house.

This would be one of the times that The Mister keeps me from swinging on the crazy tree. Or perhaps provides me with the oft needed reality check. You wonder why The Mister looks older than me..... he has to spend fifteen minutes explaining to me that you just can't go throwing recessed lights up in the ceiling like it ain't no thang.....

The Depot has reworked their customer service and the employees are TOO FREAKING HAPPY to ask you if they can help you find anything or order $5oo worth of custom glass tile or can we load a pallet of 1x6's into your trunk or how 'bout some nice paint......

And I'm all like " Gee, they're so nice here...."

The Mister says the old dudes in the orange aprons fall all over themselves to help me because, as I've said previously, I've got some all-star melons.

::::: sigh :::::

I need to stay away from The Depot.

Happy Saturday !

XoXo
Bunny

Retro Music Friday - The Mister's Fan Club, Population One And A Half.

So it seems our niece has some mad, mad love for her Uncle. There is a picture of The Mister on her fridge and it has been related to us that she will frequently point to her Uncle and say " Dat's Bwock. "

The fun doesn't end there.....

She got a toy cell phone for her birthday and, I suppose due largely to her female DNA, ( not stereotyping here but..) she loves to talk on her phone. When asked whom she is speaking, she replies " I tawking to Bwock. "

However, should one try to pry the phone from her hands the shrieking begins;

" NOOOOO ! I TAWKING TO BWOCK ! NOOO ! "

So to avoid the shrieking she now gets to sleep with her phone.

Wait, there's more.....

After she's gone off to bed ( with her phone ) she lies in bed on her back with her little legs bent up, resting one leg over the other, chatting with " Bwock ".

Word is these " conversations " are quite lengthy.

I think the allure to Uncle The Mister lies in the fact that he seems to be the only person she regularly talks to on the phone.

I suppose that's kind of a big thing in the life of a toddler. You know, someone on the phone that actually WANTS to talk to you.

She and her parents will be coming for Christmas this year, so it'll be interesting to see how our niece reacts to the live version of Uncle Bwock.

With regard to The Mister's fan club, I am the One, my niece is the Half.

I heard Livin' La Vida Loca twice on the radio this week. But instead of torturing all of you with LLVL, I am giving you..........

The Cup Of Life from the 1999 Grammy's. I remember watching this on TV at the time and was quite impressed with Ricky Martin's performance.

Why are all the hot ones gay ?

::::::::sigh:::::::::::

Originally released in 1998 as a part of the World Cup being held in France that year.

Uncle Bwock and I got married in 1998. We were both 22.

I still look 22.

The Mister, well........ guys just get more distinguished with age don't they ?

Women just get old.

The Mister does not like the the fact that I look.....ummm.......more than a few years younger than he. I'm actually older than him, but our age difference is negligible at best.

When The Miser gets his panties in a twist over our perceived age difference, I put it to him like this......people probably think he must be hot stuff to have a trophy wife such as myself.

XOXO

Bunny

You Know Things Are Bad When You Fuck Up " Rock Bottom ".

I had a shitty day today.

Migraine inducing shitty.

The kind of day that makes you seriously contemplate starting your life over somewhere else.

Due to the shit-ness of my day, I left work early.

Much to my chagrin it still took me an hour to get home, even though I left work EARLY.

Last night it took me an hour and forty minutes to get home.

Do you know what an hour and forty minute commute will do to a person ?

Yeah........not pretty.

But I digress.

I had to stop at the liquor store on my way home.

Three Olives was on sale at this particular store and I promised Mumbles that I'd pick her up a bottle, or two...and perhaps a bottle for myself.

So, as I was saying, due to the shit-ness of my day I left work EARLY and went to the liquor store on my way home.

I should say that the shit-ness of my day did not precipitate my stopping at the packie. I was going to go there anyway, regardless of how my day went.

The sale on Three Olives ended today.

So, again, due to the shit-ness of my day I had myself a good, ol' fashioned cry on the way home.

My good, ol' fashioned cry continued as I walked into the liquor store ( in through the out door out door thankyouverymuch..) and proceeded to purchase $60 worth of vodka while crying.

See....I thought buying $60 worth of vodka while crying was the clear definition
of " Rock Bottom ".

According to The Mister buying $60 worth of vodka while crying is not " Rock Bottom ".

According to The Mister " Rock Bottom " is buying a $4 bottle of vodka while crying and not wearing any shoes.

I guess this gives me something to strive for.

XOXO
Bunny.

Eleven Years, One Month And Five Days.

That's how long The Mister and I have been married as of today.

He still blows my hair back to this day.

He's a heck of a guy.

Really.

He cooks me the breakfast of my choosing every Saturday.

Like....whatever I request....BAM ! There it is on a plate.

And it's usually followed with " You want some juice honey ? "

I've told him that he really doesn't have to cook me breakfast every Saturday.

But he's shared with me that he actually likes cooking me breakfast.

Wow.

I'm a spoiled brat, I know.

I've stopped telling people that he makes me breakfast every Saturday.

Nate said I was a little smug about it and people were starting to hate me.










What else ??

Ahhh.....

He's the only person who has made laugh so hard that I peed my pants ( just a drip ).

He's sent me flowers at work FOR NO REASON !

Umm.....

He thinks my idiosyncrasies are genuinely cute.

Like that time I was SO SICK of the potato masher getting stuck in the kitchen drawer I threw it out on the porch.
He actually laughed.

Or that time I tried to shut the screen in the guestroom window and I struggled with it for ten minutes before it finally fell two stories to the ground - and I then went outside to the backyard and picked up the screen, flung it across the yard like a Frisbee and flipped it off.

Yup, he laughed again.

For the record, my Mother would not find any of the aforementioned antics amusing.

I will also say that there is no other human on Earth who knows me like he does.

I cannot BS him.

At all.

Ever.

Sometimes he's almost psychic.

Like earlier this evening.......

We'd gone to the Polish deli across town the other day. Needless to say with the endless variety of smoked meats and unidentifiable things wrapped in cabbage leaves ( I gave him a stern warning about a dutch oven ) The Mister was in heaven.
Polish smoked meat and cabbage wrapped heaven.

Me ?

I love the cookies. Bring me cookies from a far away land and I am in Nestle Nirvana.

Wanna know what else I love about this man ?

The fact that I can wander the aisles of the Polish deli and load up with numerous boxes of cookies and when the basket gets heavy I hand it over to him and he takes it.
No questions asked.

But anyways.....

I cracked open a box of Polish cookies earlier this evening and helped myself to one cookie.

Coconut and Caramel with shortbread.

Quite tasty, btw.

I remarked how tasty the cookie was to The Mister.

After a few minutes I wandered back into the kitchen as he was setting the coffee maker....
( yep, he sets the coffee maker every night too...... I'll just shut up now.....I'm sure you're all tasting vomit in the backs of your throats by now.....)

and this was my post-cookie remark greeting;

" Back for another cookie, huh ? "

I told y'all.......... HE KNOWS !

HOW DOES HE KNOW !!??

XOXO
Bunny

P.S.
The 14th anniversary of our 1st date is next month.

A Big Shout Out To Whomever My Guardian Angel Is.......

I ( and several other motorists ) was almost killed, or at the very least maimed, in a car accident today.

I realize that I have a-not-altogether-undeserved reputation for being a wee bit of a drama queen, but I AM NOT being trivial or flip when I say that I ( and several others ) was nearly killed, or at the very least maimed, in a car accident today.

I'm serious - I ( and others ) was thisclose to being the top story on the six o'clock news.

I was driving on 128 North in Westwood this morning when I saw a brown blur fly horizontally across the highway from the high speed lane to the the breakdown lane.

As I took .6 seconds to look to figure out WTF that flying, brown blur was ( and realize that it was a very large deer ) I looked forward to see that all the cars in front of me have come to a near complete stop from roughly seventy-five MPH.

The brake lights on the car in front of me got VERY LARGE, VERY FAST.

I don't even know if there is a word, or sequence of words, to describe how fast and hard I slammed the brake pedal to the floor.
I think I had both feet on the pedal.
I can't really be sure though.

My ABS kicked in and the car vibrated.

The back of the car fish-tailed.

I heard the tires screech.

The tires of the cars around me all screeched as well.

Everything that was in the seats or in the back of the Highlander, came FLYING forward and hit the backs of the seat in front of it, the dash and the windshield.

I braced my arms stiff against the steering wheel and prepared for the impact.

After a few seconds I realized that there was no sound of crunching metal or breaking glass, so I opened my eyes.

Nobody hit anybody else.

Oh. My. God.

I have no Earthly clue how there was not a twelve car pile up on 128 North this morning.

The only accident appeared to have been the poor folks in the Volkswagon who hit the deer.

The folks in the VW appeared to have escaped physically unharmed, although there's no doubt that they were very shaken up.

I won't tell you about the deer because, well, it's pretty effing traumatic.

I'm still trying to get the visual out of my head.

It took me the rest of my drive to my client's house to catch my breath...about three miles.

I shook with adrenaline for almost another hour.

Then I was exhausted.

Oh. My. God.

So, to my Guardian Angel....... You my friend are getting a VERY LARGE BONUS this holiday season.

XOXO
Bunny

Retro Music Friday - Twitter Style.

I'm going to attempt today's post like Twitter, in 140 characters or less.

I hope this works.......

Here's some bullets.....

* The Mister and I were in Target yesterday. He suggested we buy a board game, I told him I didn't care which one he picked. He suggested " Mattress Twister, The Whips and Chains Edition. " Perv.

* Don't read Amelia Bedelia after two drinks. I think the larger statement Amelia Bedelia makes it that one should not underestimate the power of a really great pie.
P.S. I think Amelia might be a little MR. " Drawing the Drapes ? " " Dressing the Chicken ? " WTF !

* Wind Shield replacement costs out of pocket in RI. BOO !

* Once you start clucking like a chicken it's REALLY hard to stop ! ADDICTING !

* Good rule of thumb; If you don't understand something don't try to eat it or put it on your body. This applies mostly to food and clothing - but use it at your discretion.

* I lost a CD I burned. Poof. Gone. Couldn't find it for the life of me. Was cleaning out the car the other day and heard a voice say " Look under the seat dumbass ! " Guess what ? THERE IT WAS ! I WAS SO HAPPY !

* The lost then found CD had one of my favorite songs from back in the day on it. Check it on the video.



* Punk Rock Girl by The Dead Milkmen. Loved this during my purple-hair-Doc-Martens phase. Listened to it 12 x in a row after I found the CD. Released in 1988. I was 12. Enjoy.

XOXOX
Bunny

The Best Tweet Ever.

I often wish everyone else in the world would disappear. Not die, just disappear. Then I remember--there'd be no tailors to fix my slacks.
5:46 PM Jul 25th from web

Courtesy of Andy Rooney, via Twitter.

xoxoxo
Bunny

P.S. Andy Rooney's Twitter page/account/profile is HERE.

I Don't Even Know Where To Start......

Um..... I really don't mind making salad. And, ahhhh.....I don't know about you folks, but I LIKE my Tuna sandwiches boring. Tuna is supposed to be boring. A Tuna Melt is about as stimulating as I'd like tuna to be. My life is exciting enough as it is.....remember, I've been attacked by a squirrel.

That breakfast stuff ? If someone served that to me and called it " breakfast " I'd probably throw it at them. That's not " breakfast ", that looks like shit you'd feed a rabbit.

And with regard to pizza toppings.......I'm gonna go all Gen X Betty Crocker on your asses for a minute......if you're feeling the itch to make pizza, but are as incredibly lazy as I am it is TOTALLY OK to grab a bunch of stuff from the salad bar at your local supermarket and toss it on a crust. Perfectly acceptable, I'm telling you.

Last but not least Dear Shamwow guy....... I'm gonna bet that me loving your nuts is not gonna happen in this lifetime. Not if you were the last guy on Earth.

I mean, if you and Woody Allen were the last two dudes on Earth.......well, I bet I'd have first hand knowledge as to why Woody's name is " Woody ".

In fact, I'm pretty sure that it's guys like you that turn women into Lesbians.

Dude gives me the creeps. There is something downright skeevy about this guy.

Bleech.

Happy Sunday All !

GO PHILLIES !

XOXO

Bunny