Miss Cleo Ain't Got Shit On Me.

Did I not tell you, Dear Internet, quite some time ago that it would behoove many a single gal to stay.the.hell.away from Charlie Sheen ?

So it seems I have said something to that effect in the not too distant past.

Guess what ?

It seems a leopard cannot change his spots.

Or his anger management problems.

I think he used a knife this time because he's not legally allowed to own a handgun - for good reason I might add......

:::::::sigh:::::::::


Ladies, he cannot be " fixed ".

I don't care who you are or what you have to offer.

He is the original Scratch & Dent of Significant Others.

Don't shop on the clearance rack for a life partner !

I think by now he should also not be legally allowed to cohabitate with any female ever again.




Dr. Drew where are you ??????

XOXO
Bunny

What Happens When You're On Santa's " Naughty " List.

You get a nasty-assed case of Conjunctivitis on Christmas Eve.

Y'all can CLICK HERE if you dare.

But I'm warning you, it's not for those of you who get grossed out easily.

Don't say I didn't warn you.

XOXO

Bunny

The Buck Stops At Auntie....

The In-Laws went back to sunny FLA yesterday. They'd been here for a few days for a pre-pinnacle of forced Merriment and Mass Merchandising season visit.
It was lovely to see all of them and as one often says we-don't-see-each-other-lets-do-this-again-soon and this time The Mister and I actually meant it.

However I should tell y'all that it snowed last night. Like, a lot. As Steph has been known to say, it was " Snowmaggedon. "

Anywho, as I was saying, The Buck Stops At Auntie.
Let me paint y'all a picture;

My 2-year old Niece: ( displaying the beginnings an Oprah-worthy Ugly Cry for no good reason..) **Sniff, sniff, snort, curl of lip ** WAAAAHHHHH. WAH WAH WAHHHHH !

Me ( tenderly as possible, but I ain't playing, yo.): Hey, there is no crying at Auntie's house.

My Niece: ( slightly taken aback that someone has told her that crying is not allowed )** Sniff ( pause ) sniff, sniff, ( pause ) boogers descend from nose, lip curls again ** WAAHH-

Me: Excuse me, I told you crying was not allowed at Auntie's house.

My Niece: ( processing this new information with a slight WTF look on her face ) ** Sucks boogers back up into her nose with the force of a Hoover vacuum and tentatively attempts whining instead ** Eeeehhhh...uhhh....waah..

Me: Listen, I'm sorry, but crying and whining is not allowed. This is Auntie's house and she pays the bills. So the only person who gets to cry around here is me, ok ?

My Niece: ( nodding ) ** sucks back more boogs with epic suction force **

Me: Are you ok now ?

My Niece: ( wipes nose on sleeve ) Yesh.

FAST FORWARD SIX HOURS....

My Niece: ( again with the crying bit...) WAHH WAAAHHHH-

Me: Hey, there is no crying at Auntie's. Remember ?

My Niece: ( nods her head ) ** sucks back boogers ** Yesh. ** goes on about her business **

FAST FORWARD.....

My Niece: ( over tired and fighting bedtime )** rubs eyes, binkie hanging loosely from her mouth ** Eeeehhh, uhuuuu, mmmmmhh, weeeennn, eeeehhss......

Me: ( carrying her to the bedroom )Come on, it's time for little girls to go to bed now.

MN: ( Crawls into bed ) ** fuss fuss whhhhhinnee, rubs eyes **

Me: ( pulls the blankets over her ) I'm going to put the blankets over you, you close your eyes and go to sleep.

MN: **Snores **

THE NEXT DAY....

MN ( on a crazy, mad powdered sugar induced spaz attack ) ** doing laps around the house and occasionally stopping in the kitchen to butt her head against my thigh ** SQQUEEEE !! AAAAA HAAAAA !! NA NA NA NA !! HEHEHEHEHEHE !!!

** Stops a lap in the kitchen, falls onto the floor and begins performance art that can best be described as a cross between peddling an invisible bike and moshing **

Me ( staring at MN spazzing out on the kitchen floor ): That's it. You've had enough. You're cut off.

MN: ( looking up at me from the floor ) No ! You off ! ** giggles uncontrollably **

Me: Nope, YOU'RE cut off.

MN: ** points at me ** No. YOU OFF !

Me: Gimme your keys, I'm calling you a cab.

MN: CAWING UM' ! ( I'll translate.. " G'head Auntie, call a cab." )

Me: ( putting plate of xmas cookies out of her reach ) That's it, we're closing up. We're skipping last call tonight. Besides, you've had enough.

MN: ( face down on the cold stone tile of the kitchen floor, beginning her sugar crash ) I OFF !

Me: You said it girlfriend.

So I guess I can add " Getting a two year old to behave " to my list of Mad Skillz.

You thought I was kidding about the powdered sugar induced spaz attack.

She licked the spilled powered sugar off the counter after we made xmas cookies.

Spaz Attack in 3........2...........1

XXOO
Bunny

a.k.a Auntie

Eleven Days Till Santa Comes.........

Hope everyone has been nice !

XO

Bunny

The Countdown Begins.

I have seven days of full time employment left as of today.

Start your collective timers now.......tick..tick..tick.

I've started and trashed about five blog posts with regard to why I decided to relinquish my job, but I seem to have a hard time ordering my thoughts and nothing I'd written made any sense.

Perhaps another day.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Now, onto the forced merriment and mass merchandising season..... The Mister has become infused with the holiday spirit as of late. The xmas tunes have been flowing like vodka around here. We've been on a steady diet of Lou Rawls, Harry Connick Jr, et al for about a week now. He made cookies the other day. He's mentioned purchasing a tree a few times now.

Me ? Meh. I'd prefer to go from Halloween right onto Groundhog Day. The holidays don't do too much for me. They never have. But I'm going to take one for the team and deck my halls with made-in-China boughs of Holly from WalMart and smile while I'm doing it.

Just an FYI, my favorite xmas tune....that you hardly ever hear anymore....is Cheech and Chong's Christmas Song. I believe the correct name of the song is " Santa Claus and His Old Lady " Click on the Santa Claus and His Old Lady listed on the right hand side.
Hilarious. Cracks me up every stinkin time.

Gotta go get ready for work.
Smell ya later.

XO
Bunny

The Untitled Post About That Time I Quit My Job.

Ummm.......y'all read that correctly.

I gave my notice at work about two weeks ago.

I have eleven days of full time employment left.

I bet you're all thinking What kinda dumbass quits a stable, full time job during a recession ??!!.

Ummm.......that would be me.

I'd take the time to explain, but I spent eleven hours in my car today and well, I'm really fucking tired.

Film at 11.

XXOO
Bunny

P.S. For some 140 character or less entertainment y'all should check out my twitter account/page/profile.

P.P.S WHY THE FUCK WILL THIS GUY NOT GO THE HELL AWAY ! UGH !

The Best Show Ever.

I don't know about y'all, but I feel like throwing on a white linen jacket and rolling up the sleeves.

XO

Bunny

Fear And Loathing In Home Depot.

I've been feeling very expressive lately. Not sure exactly why, but it seems that I've got a lot to say these days.
I've just got blog posts coming out of my ears.........
So I'm just gonna go with it and ride the wave.

Cause sooner or later, and given that the mass merchandising and forced merriment season is upon us probably sooner rather than later, I will be constitutionally unable to do anything other than soak my flappy ass is in the tub with an issue of Oprah or House Beautiful and a screwdriver set neatly on the edge of the tub and the blog posts will dry up faster than Martha Stewart's cooch.

The Mister calls the whole magazine-cocktail-tub routine " Lifestyles of The Bitchy and Shameless ".

Anywho......back to the Big Orange Home Improvement Mega Store.

We went to The Depot earlier today. I needed a replacement tub handle. Three little things to replace the circa 1976 tub handle in the upstairs bath.
We went to The Depot for three things and left an hour and forty-five minutes later with a significant amount of cash divested from our wallet.

What is it about The Depot ?

I get in there and it's like some sort of weird vacuum.....you get sucked in and cannot manage to get out without spending at least fifty clams.

I'm not sure if any of you do this too, but partner A will ask partner B if they are wrapped up and ready to leave, and partner A says " Yes " and they begin their trek to the registers.

Inevitably someone will get distracted by lighting fixtures or paint brushes or duct tape or whatever and then BAM...another twenty minutes have passed and twenty five more dollars worth of stuff is added to the cart.

I suppose part of it might be that ol' false sense of Bob Vila-ness that The Depot inspires.

I fall victim to the Vila-itis sometimes.

I'll see some neato thing to improve our home and I get all starry eyed and in my head I've got 150 recessed lights strategically placed all over our house.

This would be one of the times that The Mister keeps me from swinging on the crazy tree. Or perhaps provides me with the oft needed reality check. You wonder why The Mister looks older than me..... he has to spend fifteen minutes explaining to me that you just can't go throwing recessed lights up in the ceiling like it ain't no thang.....

The Depot has reworked their customer service and the employees are TOO FREAKING HAPPY to ask you if they can help you find anything or order $5oo worth of custom glass tile or can we load a pallet of 1x6's into your trunk or how 'bout some nice paint......

And I'm all like " Gee, they're so nice here...."

The Mister says the old dudes in the orange aprons fall all over themselves to help me because, as I've said previously, I've got some all-star melons.

::::: sigh :::::

I need to stay away from The Depot.

Happy Saturday !

XoXo
Bunny

Retro Music Friday - The Mister's Fan Club, Population One And A Half.

So it seems our niece has some mad, mad love for her Uncle. There is a picture of The Mister on her fridge and it has been related to us that she will frequently point to her Uncle and say " Dat's Bwock. "

The fun doesn't end there.....

She got a toy cell phone for her birthday and, I suppose due largely to her female DNA, ( not stereotyping here but..) she loves to talk on her phone. When asked whom she is speaking, she replies " I tawking to Bwock. "

However, should one try to pry the phone from her hands the shrieking begins;

" NOOOOO ! I TAWKING TO BWOCK ! NOOO ! "

So to avoid the shrieking she now gets to sleep with her phone.

Wait, there's more.....

After she's gone off to bed ( with her phone ) she lies in bed on her back with her little legs bent up, resting one leg over the other, chatting with " Bwock ".

Word is these " conversations " are quite lengthy.

I think the allure to Uncle The Mister lies in the fact that he seems to be the only person she regularly talks to on the phone.

I suppose that's kind of a big thing in the life of a toddler. You know, someone on the phone that actually WANTS to talk to you.

She and her parents will be coming for Christmas this year, so it'll be interesting to see how our niece reacts to the live version of Uncle Bwock.

With regard to The Mister's fan club, I am the One, my niece is the Half.

I heard Livin' La Vida Loca twice on the radio this week. But instead of torturing all of you with LLVL, I am giving you..........

The Cup Of Life from the 1999 Grammy's. I remember watching this on TV at the time and was quite impressed with Ricky Martin's performance.

Why are all the hot ones gay ?

::::::::sigh:::::::::::

Originally released in 1998 as a part of the World Cup being held in France that year.

Uncle Bwock and I got married in 1998. We were both 22.

I still look 22.

The Mister, well........ guys just get more distinguished with age don't they ?

Women just get old.

The Mister does not like the the fact that I look.....ummm.......more than a few years younger than he. I'm actually older than him, but our age difference is negligible at best.

When The Miser gets his panties in a twist over our perceived age difference, I put it to him like this......people probably think he must be hot stuff to have a trophy wife such as myself.

XOXO

Bunny

You Know Things Are Bad When You Fuck Up " Rock Bottom ".

I had a shitty day today.

Migraine inducing shitty.

The kind of day that makes you seriously contemplate starting your life over somewhere else.

Due to the shit-ness of my day, I left work early.

Much to my chagrin it still took me an hour to get home, even though I left work EARLY.

Last night it took me an hour and forty minutes to get home.

Do you know what an hour and forty minute commute will do to a person ?

Yeah........not pretty.

But I digress.

I had to stop at the liquor store on my way home.

Three Olives was on sale at this particular store and I promised Mumbles that I'd pick her up a bottle, or two...and perhaps a bottle for myself.

So, as I was saying, due to the shit-ness of my day I left work EARLY and went to the liquor store on my way home.

I should say that the shit-ness of my day did not precipitate my stopping at the packie. I was going to go there anyway, regardless of how my day went.

The sale on Three Olives ended today.

So, again, due to the shit-ness of my day I had myself a good, ol' fashioned cry on the way home.

My good, ol' fashioned cry continued as I walked into the liquor store ( in through the out door out door thankyouverymuch..) and proceeded to purchase $60 worth of vodka while crying.

See....I thought buying $60 worth of vodka while crying was the clear definition
of " Rock Bottom ".

According to The Mister buying $60 worth of vodka while crying is not " Rock Bottom ".

According to The Mister " Rock Bottom " is buying a $4 bottle of vodka while crying and not wearing any shoes.

I guess this gives me something to strive for.

XOXO
Bunny.

Eleven Years, One Month And Five Days.

That's how long The Mister and I have been married as of today.

He still blows my hair back to this day.

He's a heck of a guy.

Really.

He cooks me the breakfast of my choosing every Saturday.

Like....whatever I request....BAM ! There it is on a plate.

And it's usually followed with " You want some juice honey ? "

I've told him that he really doesn't have to cook me breakfast every Saturday.

But he's shared with me that he actually likes cooking me breakfast.

Wow.

I'm a spoiled brat, I know.

I've stopped telling people that he makes me breakfast every Saturday.

Nate said I was a little smug about it and people were starting to hate me.










What else ??

Ahhh.....

He's the only person who has made laugh so hard that I peed my pants ( just a drip ).

He's sent me flowers at work FOR NO REASON !

Umm.....

He thinks my idiosyncrasies are genuinely cute.

Like that time I was SO SICK of the potato masher getting stuck in the kitchen drawer I threw it out on the porch.
He actually laughed.

Or that time I tried to shut the screen in the guestroom window and I struggled with it for ten minutes before it finally fell two stories to the ground - and I then went outside to the backyard and picked up the screen, flung it across the yard like a Frisbee and flipped it off.

Yup, he laughed again.

For the record, my Mother would not find any of the aforementioned antics amusing.

I will also say that there is no other human on Earth who knows me like he does.

I cannot BS him.

At all.

Ever.

Sometimes he's almost psychic.

Like earlier this evening.......

We'd gone to the Polish deli across town the other day. Needless to say with the endless variety of smoked meats and unidentifiable things wrapped in cabbage leaves ( I gave him a stern warning about a dutch oven ) The Mister was in heaven.
Polish smoked meat and cabbage wrapped heaven.

Me ?

I love the cookies. Bring me cookies from a far away land and I am in Nestle Nirvana.

Wanna know what else I love about this man ?

The fact that I can wander the aisles of the Polish deli and load up with numerous boxes of cookies and when the basket gets heavy I hand it over to him and he takes it.
No questions asked.

But anyways.....

I cracked open a box of Polish cookies earlier this evening and helped myself to one cookie.

Coconut and Caramel with shortbread.

Quite tasty, btw.

I remarked how tasty the cookie was to The Mister.

After a few minutes I wandered back into the kitchen as he was setting the coffee maker....
( yep, he sets the coffee maker every night too...... I'll just shut up now.....I'm sure you're all tasting vomit in the backs of your throats by now.....)

and this was my post-cookie remark greeting;

" Back for another cookie, huh ? "

I told y'all.......... HE KNOWS !

HOW DOES HE KNOW !!??

XOXO
Bunny

P.S.
The 14th anniversary of our 1st date is next month.

A Big Shout Out To Whomever My Guardian Angel Is.......

I ( and several other motorists ) was almost killed, or at the very least maimed, in a car accident today.

I realize that I have a-not-altogether-undeserved reputation for being a wee bit of a drama queen, but I AM NOT being trivial or flip when I say that I ( and several others ) was nearly killed, or at the very least maimed, in a car accident today.

I'm serious - I ( and others ) was thisclose to being the top story on the six o'clock news.

I was driving on 128 North in Westwood this morning when I saw a brown blur fly horizontally across the highway from the high speed lane to the the breakdown lane.

As I took .6 seconds to look to figure out WTF that flying, brown blur was ( and realize that it was a very large deer ) I looked forward to see that all the cars in front of me have come to a near complete stop from roughly seventy-five MPH.

The brake lights on the car in front of me got VERY LARGE, VERY FAST.

I don't even know if there is a word, or sequence of words, to describe how fast and hard I slammed the brake pedal to the floor.
I think I had both feet on the pedal.
I can't really be sure though.

My ABS kicked in and the car vibrated.

The back of the car fish-tailed.

I heard the tires screech.

The tires of the cars around me all screeched as well.

Everything that was in the seats or in the back of the Highlander, came FLYING forward and hit the backs of the seat in front of it, the dash and the windshield.

I braced my arms stiff against the steering wheel and prepared for the impact.

After a few seconds I realized that there was no sound of crunching metal or breaking glass, so I opened my eyes.

Nobody hit anybody else.

Oh. My. God.

I have no Earthly clue how there was not a twelve car pile up on 128 North this morning.

The only accident appeared to have been the poor folks in the Volkswagon who hit the deer.

The folks in the VW appeared to have escaped physically unharmed, although there's no doubt that they were very shaken up.

I won't tell you about the deer because, well, it's pretty effing traumatic.

I'm still trying to get the visual out of my head.

It took me the rest of my drive to my client's house to catch my breath...about three miles.

I shook with adrenaline for almost another hour.

Then I was exhausted.

Oh. My. God.

So, to my Guardian Angel....... You my friend are getting a VERY LARGE BONUS this holiday season.

XOXO
Bunny

Retro Music Friday - Twitter Style.

I'm going to attempt today's post like Twitter, in 140 characters or less.

I hope this works.......

Here's some bullets.....

* The Mister and I were in Target yesterday. He suggested we buy a board game, I told him I didn't care which one he picked. He suggested " Mattress Twister, The Whips and Chains Edition. " Perv.

* Don't read Amelia Bedelia after two drinks. I think the larger statement Amelia Bedelia makes it that one should not underestimate the power of a really great pie.
P.S. I think Amelia might be a little MR. " Drawing the Drapes ? " " Dressing the Chicken ? " WTF !

* Wind Shield replacement costs out of pocket in RI. BOO !

* Once you start clucking like a chicken it's REALLY hard to stop ! ADDICTING !

* Good rule of thumb; If you don't understand something don't try to eat it or put it on your body. This applies mostly to food and clothing - but use it at your discretion.

* I lost a CD I burned. Poof. Gone. Couldn't find it for the life of me. Was cleaning out the car the other day and heard a voice say " Look under the seat dumbass ! " Guess what ? THERE IT WAS ! I WAS SO HAPPY !

* The lost then found CD had one of my favorite songs from back in the day on it. Check it on the video.



* Punk Rock Girl by The Dead Milkmen. Loved this during my purple-hair-Doc-Martens phase. Listened to it 12 x in a row after I found the CD. Released in 1988. I was 12. Enjoy.

XOXOX
Bunny

The Best Tweet Ever.

I often wish everyone else in the world would disappear. Not die, just disappear. Then I remember--there'd be no tailors to fix my slacks.
5:46 PM Jul 25th from web

Courtesy of Andy Rooney, via Twitter.

xoxoxo
Bunny

P.S. Andy Rooney's Twitter page/account/profile is HERE.

I Don't Even Know Where To Start......

Um..... I really don't mind making salad. And, ahhhh.....I don't know about you folks, but I LIKE my Tuna sandwiches boring. Tuna is supposed to be boring. A Tuna Melt is about as stimulating as I'd like tuna to be. My life is exciting enough as it is.....remember, I've been attacked by a squirrel.

That breakfast stuff ? If someone served that to me and called it " breakfast " I'd probably throw it at them. That's not " breakfast ", that looks like shit you'd feed a rabbit.

And with regard to pizza toppings.......I'm gonna go all Gen X Betty Crocker on your asses for a minute......if you're feeling the itch to make pizza, but are as incredibly lazy as I am it is TOTALLY OK to grab a bunch of stuff from the salad bar at your local supermarket and toss it on a crust. Perfectly acceptable, I'm telling you.

Last but not least Dear Shamwow guy....... I'm gonna bet that me loving your nuts is not gonna happen in this lifetime. Not if you were the last guy on Earth.

I mean, if you and Woody Allen were the last two dudes on Earth.......well, I bet I'd have first hand knowledge as to why Woody's name is " Woody ".

In fact, I'm pretty sure that it's guys like you that turn women into Lesbians.

Dude gives me the creeps. There is something downright skeevy about this guy.

Bleech.

Happy Sunday All !

GO PHILLIES !

XOXO

Bunny

In Regard To The Unfunny Shit My Dad Says.

My Dad always had, and still has now that I think about it, this saying that he uses quite frequently.

Wanna hear it ??

I knew ya did !

Here goes;

This is verbatim, btw......

" DAMN IT, DON'T GO CRAZY ! "


This phrase has multiple applications. He mostly uses it in situations where there is the potential for any type of excessive behavior. I seem to recall him using it most in situations where food was involved.
For example, say if....my Mom happened to be working late one night and my Dad had decided to take my sister and I out for pizza " DAMN IT, DON'T GO CRAZY ! " might be used if we ( my sister and I ) perhaps expressed an interest in a pizza with pepperoni AND mushrooms.
See, the pepperoni was ok....but add the " AND mushrooms " part and the world might shift position on its axis.
Ice cream ? A cup of vanilla is ok. A bit of hot fudge on top ? You're still in the clear... Whipped cream ? The situation's getting iffy. Chopped nuts ? STOP RIGHT THERE MISSY !
See, 'cause chopped nuts = anarchy.

He's got other much used phrases, but today we're just going to cover " DAMN IT, DON'T GO CRAZY ! "

:::::Sigh::::::

My Dad is a Leo. Leos are, for all intents and purposes, Vanilla. There shall be no excess of any sort, at least not when they're in the room. The other thing about Leos....they are pathologically unable to Shut Up. It's true. No really, I'm serious.
My Dad will get going on a subject and there is just no stopping him. Just when your eyes begin to glaze over and wonder how much longer they're ( any leo ) going to go on, they stop talking. And you may think to yourself " Thank God that's over ! ", but then you realize that they're just stopping to take a breath and then they're all like " Where was I ? " and the dissertation starts right back up again.

I dare ya, dear Internet, go find a Leo. They.Never.Stop.Talking.

Speaking of " Going Crazy "...as I am sitting here writing this I am drinking Diet Dr. Pepper with Vodka and eating cold mashed potatoes.

Does that constitute " Going Crazy " ??

Eh, probably not.

Oh well, have a good night !

XOOXO
Bunny

P.S. I'm still trying to figure out what happened to Jody Watley. Oh yeah, and Jon Knight ? Yep, you guessed it.....STILL HOT.

'Cause The Shit My Dad Says Isn't That Funny

Ok, so there is this guy on Twitter named Justin. His Twitter page, if that's what you even call them....Twitter account ? Twitter Profile ?

I'm not sure.......

At any rate.....I stumbled across shitmydadsays via Christina Applegate's ( don't ask. ) Twitter page/account/profile.

In a nutshell, Justin's Dad is apparently quite awesome and Justin, as the name of his page/account/profile implies, Tweets all the awesome shit his dad says.

Here is a little sample;


"You're being fucking dramatic. You own a TV and an air mattress. That's not exactly what I'd call "a lot to lose."
10:03 AM Oct 5th


Do yourselves a favor and go over to shitmydadsays and have a laugh.

The Mister and I are HUGE fans.

XOXO
Bunny

Messin' With Sasquatch a.k.a Drunk Blogging.

Disclaimer: I am not drunk yet. But I have an ice cold screwdriver in hand and in all reality I will be half in the bag by the time I finish this post.

I prefer not to call this a " drinking problem " . I think of it as homeopathically pretreating any H1N1 Flu that may choose to reside in my body. Bacteria doesn't grow in things that are pickled, right ? My pickling spices of choice happen to be nacho chip crumbs.

And the vitamin C in the OJ guarantees me nary a cold bug will settle within any orifice of my body.

First off, let me tell all of you that my Sweet Emmsie and her fellow tennis teammates won the state champs for their division yesterday.

WOOT WOOT ! GO EMMSIE !!!!!

**Sniff Sniff** I'm so proud !

Later on in the afternoon, after watching a dozen or so sixteen year-old girls fill up their bellies at TGI McFunster's, I found myself at my Aunt's house.

While comfortably seated on my Aunt's sofa she gave me permission to use Nate's....

Memba Nate ?

My Aunt, his mother, let me use his laptop to cruise the interwebs. As I am not one to miss a golden opportunity I took the time to change the wallpaper on his laptop. Previous to my tampering he had lovely picture of the solar system as his wallpaper.......YAWN.

My pathological need to " liven things up " resulted in my setting our friends at Sesame Street as the wallpaper on Nate's ThinkPad.

Bert and Ernie.......total homos. Platonic roommates my ass !

Cookie Monster ? Eating disorder.

Grover ? Delusional. Super Grover ??

Big Bird has " Mommy Issues ", why else would he not have ever had a lady friend ? I mean come on, Big Bird was a catch ! He had is OWN NEST for Pete's Sake ! He's wasn't some scrub living in the basement at Mom's nest ! Although I do think he had unrequited love for Maria.

The Count ? Only gay men wear capes.

Oh yeah, and Oscar the Grouch ? Anger Management problems and issues with Authority Figures. I think he might have been a bit of a Borderline, with agoraphobic tendencies.

But back to Nate. He wasn't home when I changed the wallpaper. In fact, I did not see him at all while I was at my Aunt's house. But something tells me that he will figure out it was myself who changed his laptop wallpaper and I'm gonna bet that at a later date I will be intimately acquainted with the linoleum on my Aunt's kitchen floor. Perhaps with an arm or two pinned behind my back. That's just how Nate rolls.

:::::::Sigh::::::::::

The Mister and I went to a Halloween party Saturday with my friend " K " and her BF " J ". I'm sure you'd all be totally shocked to know that my costume was so obscure that nobody....I mean NOBODY got it.

I was Stacy London.

I even sent The Mister out for white hair colorant spray so I could even have the gray streak in my hair. I wasn't playing yo.

NO BOD EEE got it. Wait, I stand corrected.... The Mister got it. As did K's BF J.

See, there is a guy at work....he works in a different department and well, we sort of became friendly over the past year or so....

GET YOUR MINDS OUT OF THE GUTTER PEOPLE ! IT'S NOT LIKE THAT !

See, the guy at work is going to be Clinton


and I'm going to be Stacy at work this coming Friday.

I'm going to have to tell " Clinton " to bring his A-Game on Friday,

Cause my Stacy is FIERCE !

Fingers crossed someone will have to foresight to take pictures.

XOXOXO

Bunny

P.S.

The " Sasquatch " referenced in the title is Nate. Due to his size ( 6'4" ) and the depth of his voice I felt this was an appropriate moniker.

Wherein We Begin Buying Geritol At Costco.

This morning I ran across an article in the style section of The Huffington Post. The content of the article was little retro rewind of sorts to all of our favorite MTV lady Vj's from back in the day.
I called The Mister over as I thought that he'd enjoy the little trip down memory lane as much as I did.

Upon reviewing the rundown of the lady Vj's....well, lets just say I can tell who is going to " turn his crank ",for lack of a better term, before he even opens his mouth.

Me: So, ahhh.... how 'bout that Karen Duffy ? "

The Mister: Ooohhh yeah. She was SO.DAMN.HOT. ( The Mister has a serious weakness for well dressed, saucy brunettes......hence yours truly )

I then went on to push the envelope a bit further.

Me: I betcha think Martha Quinn is cute too..... (He also has a place in his heart for cutesie, girl-next-door types )

The Mister: Yeah, I'd hit that.

We continued the conversation a bit later on in the kitchen while The Mister was cooking breakfast.

Me: I wonder what ever happened to Martha Quinn ?

The Mister: I dunno. Why don't you see what you can find out online ?

After a quick Internet search I found out that Martha Quinn reportedly hosts a radio show on XM satellite radio, lives in CA and is a Mother of two. And she's fifty years old.
Yep, Martha Quinn is fifty.

I reported my findings back to The Mister.

Me: Hey, Martha Quinn hosts a radio show on XM.

The Mister: That's cool.

Me: She's got two kids and she lives in California.

The Mister: Oh yeah ?

Me: She's fifty years old.

The Mister: WHAT ?

Me: Martha Quinn is fifty.

** slight conversational pause **

The Mister: I feel nauseous.

** further conversational pause **

The Mister: Fuck. We're old.

To read the article for yourselves please CLICK HERE.

_______________________________________

Sometimes I watch the show Flipping Out on Bravo. I love looking at the architecture and interior design of the houses they try to unload. I also watch the show because I can't quite believe how much of an anal retentive, pain in the ass Jeff Lewis is.
I recall one episode where he and his assistant Jenni were asked to house sit, in a manner of speaking, for a friend.

They went to check on the house as requested and while there he ( Jeff ) proceeded to rearrange her furniture. He felt that she ( the friend he was " house sitting " for ) could have made better use of her home's space.
He then went on to run her dishwasher and while he was at it he cleaned out underneath her kitchen sink. The entire time he's doing this he's going on and on to Jenni ( although I think Jenni blocks out a certain percentage of what he says to save her sanity ) about their friend's cleanliness, or lack thereof.

" Ugh, when is the last time she even looked under here. Look at this...lets just throw this away, gross. My God, does she not organize ? There is just stuff thrown in here. "

All the while Jenni is trying her damnedest to get him to leave her cabinets alone.

And I'm watching this thinking;

Jeez, who goes into their friend's houses and like, cleans and rearranges their furniture ? That is sooooo over the top. Really, there is no need.

Yeah.....wanna know who goes to their friend's house and rearranges their shit and cleans up after them ?

I do.

I have gone to my friend's houses and rearranged their living room furniture, their dining room furniture and just last night I cleaned another friend's kitchen ( my finger stuck to the hood over his stove. something had to be done ). And this isn't even all the same friend ! I've done this to multiple friends. Yet, they still seem to hold some measure of affection for me.

I can't decide if my friends are lazy and are only too happy to have me tidy up after them or if this little idiosyncrasy I have really irritates them, perhaps the only thing saving me from a shovel to the back of the skull is my unbelievable cuteness.

Happy Saturday All !

XO
Bunny

Retro Music Friday - Yes, I Am A Real Person.

I attended a birthday party for one of our former clients last night. He's been in a residence for about a year now, which has proven to be a wonderful transition for him. He seems like he's a lot happier these days, he looks fantastic, I could go on and on.
Like they say in adoption lingo, he's found his " forever family ".

At any rate, I've worked with this client on and off for years. He loves to tag along with me wherever I happen to be going. I have been known to pick him up at his residence and take him along with me to Home Depot or The Christmas Tree Shop, etc, even when I'm not working. As I said, he's always happy to tag along and follow me around The Depot pushing the cart for me.

Apparently he talks about me. Quite a bit. To everyone he knows.

I should backtrack a bit here........ this particular client has lived in the same town for years. He knows EVERYONE. He's practically the mayor. He knows most of the cops, the pizza place owner, the sub shop owner, the jewelry store owner, the bike shop owner, the liquor store owner.....he even knows Steve Grogan.

As I was saying, I showed up at his residence last night with birthday gift in hand. The woman who runs the residence told him that I had arrived and....he went totally silent. And his cheeks got a little flush. It was too freakin cute.
I guess he had been waiting for me, perhaps not so patiently.
I'm beginning to get the impression that he's got a wee bit of a crush on me.

At any rate, there was a point in the evening that the woman who runs his residence introduced me to other party attendees that I did not know. One woman, the Reverend from the church he used to work at, and I exchanged pleasantries and she then went on to say;

" So you're (___), he talks about you ALL THE TIME. I'm so happy that you're a real person and you know, not imaginary. It's so nice to finally put a face with a name. "

The pizza shop owner also showed up and upon my meeting him he exclaimed;

" Oh, so you're (____) ! He never stops talking about you. It's nice to finally meet you ! "

So yeah, I am real.

In case you were wondering, I bought him two fedoras for his birthday. He looks like a total badass in them.

Onto RMF......

I changed the answer tone on my phone a few days ago. My friend " K " called me at one point this week and expressed to me that she liked my new answer tone very much. She was the catalyst for me changing my answer tone in the first place. My previous answer tone was " I'm Every Woman " by Chaka Khan. At one point " K " shared with me that she understood why I chose " I'm Every Woman ", because, in fact, I am every woman and yes, anything you want done baby, I'll do it naturally.
She went on to tell me that although she really identified with the female empowerment themes in the song, she was getting really tired of " Chaka screaming in my ear. "

So, my new answer tone is Rapper's Delight by The Sugar Hill Gang.

" K " is not originally from this country and sometimes I have to explain American pop culture things to her. Like that Rapper's Delight was considered to be the first commercially successful rap song. I then went onto explain that Rapture by Blondie is sometimes credited with making rap more accepted on mainstream radio at that time.

She was not familiar with Rapture by Blondie - but I'm not really surprised. But sometimes it blows my mind that she can give me a PhD worthy explanation of Negative Transference, but she doesn't know Rapture by Blondie.

So anyway, today's RMF is Rapture by Blondie. I'm not able to embed a video so please CLICK HERE.

I should also tell you that The Mister has shared with me that Debbie Harry was the woman whom started him noticing girls. Yep, The Mister's seven year old self had a thing for Debbie Harry.


XOXO
Bunny

The Untitled Post.

Remember my cousin Nate from a few posts ago ? I saw Nate today.....he's well, thanks for asking. Anyway, I saw Nate today. He sat down across from me at Papa Gino's and said;

" Guess what Aaron did ? " ( Aaron is Nate's younger brother..)

As I am very familiar with Aaron and his many eccentricities and idiosyncrasies I stared blankly at Nate for a few minutes. The wheels of my brain spun into overdrive as I attempted to guess what is was that Aaron did. I really had no idea. I could not even begin to make an attempt to make the slightest guess as to what it was that he had done.

For those not familiar, Aaron is one of my 1st cousins. He is a genius. I do not use that term lightly. He really is a genius. He left HS after his junior year to attend college. He studies AstroPhysics in the HONORS program at UMass. I'll write that again.....he studies ASTROPHYSICS in the HONORS PROGRAM.
His internship this summer was helping a professor at CalTech disprove one of Einstein's theories of whatever it was that Einstein had theories about.
He made himself an apparatus that launches produce ( potatoes, apples, what have you...) the length of two football fields.
Genius I tell ya.

At any rate, it was in that instant that I could no longer hold onto the hope that I was adopted and that my real parents ( with YACHTS ! and BUTLERS ! ) would be coming to claim me at any minute.

I share way too much DNA with these people.

'Cause when I say " Guess what happened to me ? " it is the same thing as when others say " Guess what Aaron did ? ". The answer to either question is usually....well......something that causes the listener to question their sense of reality.

Aaron had, from what I could gather, felt lonely at UMass. The days are getting shorter, he spends the majority of his time studying ASTROPHYSICS in the HONORS program. I can totally understand his perceived loneliness.

Where as most of us ( except for myself and Aaron...) would have sought out a social activity, or and/or perhaps seek out a SO Aaron chose to.........

drumroll please...................................

Purchase himself two ferrets.

He named them Bonnie & Clyde.

Yep....ferrets.

Sounds like something I'd do, huh ?

I would have named them George & Wheezy though.


XOXO
Bunny

Why I Love Dan Savage.

Most Columnists would have read the following questions in their email inbox and promptly flagged it for deletion.

But not Dan Savage.

No, no. Dan Savage is not at all afraid to tackle the tough questions.

Like this one;


Dear Dan,

A question in the spirit of the season: Can zombie sex ever be consensual? Because I think if confronted with a zombified Zac Efron, I might go for it if he were properly restrained. Can you teach a zombie a safe word? Does it count if it's "braaaains"? It's not necrophilia with the WALKING dead, is it? What would you say is the sexual morality of this situation?

Hope In Zombie Zac If Ethical

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear HIZZIE,

If you'd seen Zombieland, HIZZIE, you'd know that a hot person, once transformed into a zombie, isn't hot anymore. A pretty girl is bitten by a zombie, falls asleep in the arms of Zombieland's nebbishy hero, and awakes as a thoroughly hideous flesh-eating monster. Even a zombified Zac Efron—I'm going to resist making the obvious joke here—would be too repulsive to fuck. Think of the gore, the viscera; think of the Axe body spray.

As for the morality of the situation, fucking zombies—the walking dead—is necrophilia, technically speaking, but practically speaking, it comes closer to bestiality. A human being who has been zombified is nothing but an animal, hungry for brains, incapable of thought much less consent. We can kill animals for their flesh, but we mustn't fuck them, HIZZIE; and we can kill zombies for wanting our flesh, but likewise we mustn't fuck them.

So there you have it kids.....fucking zombies is just plain wrong.

Xoooo

Bunny

Nate.

This is my cousin Nate.

He's been making this very same face since he was born.

No witty insights or funny tales to tell today.

Just Nate.

XO

Bunny

Why I'm Not On Twitter.

I'm sure there are some people out there who are not the least bit pleased that The Mister bought me a phone with a full keyboard not too long ago.
Back when I had to use the number buttons to spell out words I had to feel really strongly about the message I was sending. It took a long time to spell out what I wanted to express as I tend to be, well, quite wordy.

The fact that I now have a full keyboard means that I have the ability to really harass the crap out of people.

The other night The Mister made the comparison that I was not unlike Matt Damon's character in Good Will Hunting. The only really difference between myself and Will is that my genius lends itself to words, not numbers.
We're, me and " Will ", both extreme cases of MassHoles. Peace, Love, Go Fuck Yourself and say Hi to your Mother for me.

At any rate, my friend Anthony sent me a link to his band's website. They're having a show this weekend and the email included the deets of the show. I've been somewhat remiss as a friend as Anthony has invited me to many a show, but I've yet to attend one.

Hey Anthony, STOP HAVING SHOWS IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT !

Just kidding !

It is the intent of The Mister and I to attend the show this weekend.

And just so y'all know, Anthony was " in tha hizzous " when The Mister drank himself into a stupor on Bushmills and passed out on the porch.

I cruised the band's site for a bit and further went on to discover that his band is on Rhapsody.

Needless to say, I was duly impressed.

So I shot Anthony a text;

Me: HOLY FUCK ! Your ass is on Rhapsody ! HOLY FUCK !

And I got a response;

Anthony: Is it just my ass ?! I could have sworn my balls were on there too.

And so on and so forth;

Me: Turkey.

Anthony: What ?

Me: You're a turkey.

Anthony: I love turkey. Why am I a turkey ?

Me: Please don't take my referring to you as domesticated poultry as an insult. Ben Franklin felt very strongly that the turkey should have been our national symbol. I was merely implying that your comment regarding your balls being on Rhapsody was in a manner of speaking, quite silly.
I was genuinely impressed that that you have your music published on a national music service. You should have recognized my impressedness with the capitalization and use of exclamation points with regard to the repeated use of the word FUCK.

Anthony: That was the best txt message ever. Thank u for being so impressed. I forgot about the balls thing :-) but they recorded a duo record that I swore was on there..... oh, and we're on iTunes too !

Me: When you say " we're " on iTunes do you mean you and your band mates or you and your genitalia ? If your ass and balls ever decided to do a cover tune perhaps they might want to consider " Stuck In The Middle With You " by Stealer's Wheel.

Anthony: I just lol'd really loudly. I'll run that suggestion by the " boys ".

Me: You know I'm going to turn this entire exchange into a blog post.


If there was a PhD in Wiseass - I'd be Stephen Hawking.

XO
Bunny

This Year's Hottest Christmas Toy - Jailbird Elmo.

Do you recall me sharing with you that I had spent the first weekend of October in NYC with my best-est ( we'll try spelling it with a hyphen this time....) cousin Steph and her shall-remain-nameless daughter ?

Yeah ? We all on the same page ?
Ok then. On with the story.

Let me set the scene for y'all.....

On our last collective night in the city we went to dinner at a very seen-and-be-seen restaurant in The Village. Dinner was fabulous. The service was superb. I have nothing but wonderful things to say about this particular restaurant.....I'm kissing my fingers like some sort of stereotyped portly Italian chef in a crappy, late 80's Disney movie here........ MWAH !

At any rate, as she had been feeling out the increasing independence that comes with turning the big 1-6 over the course of the weekend, Nameless requested that she be allowed to hail a cab ( on her own ) in order for the three of us to return back to our hotel. Mom of course says " Go for it ! " and lo and behold the very first cab pulls over to whisk us back to Midtown. Beginner's Luck.

The previous day, after Nameless and I had decided that we were SO DONE with walking, we'd decided to get a cab back to the hotel rather than walk the 30-something blocks from Union Square back to Midtown. Mom didn't protest the cab plan and did her part to aide in the cab hailing. Although she did claim that she was totally prepared to walk the 30-something blocks back to the hotel. She felt fine and it was a lovely day. Really, I'm convinced she was a Sherpa in a past life.

Me ? I'm convinced I was an eccentric, European millionairess with multiple small, yapping dogs who is perpetually wardrobed in a colorful caftan, does the double cheek kiss and can't be bothered to learn people's names so she refers to everyone as " Dahling " in a past life.

But I digress.

No cab stopped despite my standing halfway into the street. Time to hatch Plan B. Not sure if Nameless saw me do this or not, but I unzipped my hoodie to show the girls off in order to expedite the cab hailing process. Hey, don't judge ok ? We were desperate and needed the money...I mean a cab. Eventually a cab did pull over and an uneventful ride to Midtown ensued.

So by the night in question Nameless had seen her Mom and myself hail a cab or two and felt that she had the routine down.

Where was I ????
Oh yeah, uneventful cab ride back to Midtown......

Which is exactly the kind of cab ride one wants to have in Manhattan. Uneventful. Boring even.
If you ask someone how their cab ride was and they start out by saying " Hoo Boy !! LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT THE CAB RIDE ! " those stories never end well. It usually ends with someone saying " And then the cops showed up..."

^ Major foreshadowing there ^

So after our lovely dinner on our last collective night in the city we had an uneventful, boring even, cab ride back to the hotel. Sometime during this ride, me in my still buzzed from two screwdrivers on a mostly empty stomach state decided that I needed some chocolate. And I decided Nameless was going to be my accomplice in the procurement of said chocolate.

Our hotel was not two blocks from Times Square. And for those not familiar Times Square, like a hooker's legs, never closes.

We, Steph, Nameless and I, had taken a spin around Times Square two nights before so Nameless was well aware that there was both a Hershey and M&M's store in Times Square.
Mom walked with us to the corner and bid us " farewell " as she had decided that she's had enough fun for one day and would not be joining us on our sojourn to Times Sq.

Nameless and I trotted off to TS to acquire chocolate.

Nameless is a lovely, energetic, charismatic young lady who walks in practically a skip. She bounds down the street all lovely and whatnot, her hair bouncing along with a mind of its own. She largely resembles a young Farrah Fawcett. I had to fight the urge to grab her by the shoulders and shake her and command that she " STAY AWAY FROM THAT FREAK RYAN O'NEAL ! HE'S NOTHING BUT TROUBLE ! "
But I knew that would have ended with her giving me that puzzled yet concerned look I get from most of my coworkers and would have elicited Nameless sheepishly asking " Umm....who's Ryan O'Neal ? "

::::::sigh::::::::

Ok, back to the chocolate and Times Sq.

Earlier at dinner I was trying my damnedest to be my very best well behaved self ( I'd been warned by The Mister to " Behave " as I boarded the bus to NYC. Which is an entire blog post unto itself ). Over the course of the entire weekend I'd recalled countless, off-color anecdotes that I wanted to share with Steph and I'd begin to giggle and open my mouth to relate the anecdote, but then remember that I was in the presence of Nameless. So I'd self censor and keep the anecdote to myself.

For nearly three solid days I would laugh, open my mouth, sigh with disappointment and shut my mouth again.
I'm sure people passing me on the street must have thought I was mentally ill.

As I was saying, I was trying my damnedest to behave myself during dinner. However after two screwdrivers all bets are off. I began to relate my funniest of funny anecdotes from the past year. Sort of a Best Of Bunny & The Mister, if you will. This particular anecdote was a pretty lengthy one that involved my Grandmother receiving hospice care, my sister calling me crying and The Mister drunk in the ball pit at McDonald's and then The Mister drunk verbally abusing my sister while perched on the hood of her car.

Nameless listened intently as I told my tale of drunk debauchery in McDonald's. She was as if she'd discovered Real Sex on HBO after Mom and Dad had long gone to sleep. Like she knew that this, the entirely true stories of two drunk Gen-X DINKs with a serious Oreo habit, was something she should not be paying attention to. But somehow the luridness in my recounting of the events of that evening was something she could not tear herself away from.

I think she was secretly happy to be trotting off to Times Square with someone other than her Mom. Especially since she's seen me in the new light of one of my " Best Of " anecdotes.

I know, I know. Chocolate. Times Square. I'm getting there.

Nameless was under the impression that we were heading back for either the Hershey or M&M store....but I felt that this was a good time to impart a little economics lesson. Which was, those of us with jobs and bills who have to spend our own money on chocolate go to Walgreen's to buy Reese's Peanut butter cups for 3 for $2, rather than spend $2.50 for one package at the Hershey's store.

And yes, in case you were wondering, there is a Times Sq. Walgreen's and yes, I purchased a round of RPB Cups. One for me, one for Nameless and one for Steph.

But before we even made it to Walgreen's we ran into.......GASP.......ELMO ! HOLY CRAP ! IT WAS ELMO ! RIGHT.IN.TIMES.SQUARE !

Nameless decided the a nice end of the sentence to her weekend in NYC was to have her picture taken with Elmo. For some reason she decided that I was the adult in charge in this particular situation and asked me if it would be alright if she got her picture taken with the Red Furry One.
And in my head I was all like " Why the flip are you asking my permission ?? "



I guess I am so used to my sweet Emmsie, who is sweet ( when she wants to be ), but has that surly, snarky exterior that scares ice road truckers, longshoremen and the occasional Hell's Angel.
Had Nameless and Emmsie somehow gone all Parent Trap on me in that exact moment I would have totally caught onto the whole switcharoo as Emmsie would have thrown the camera at me an told me to take her picture. Like, do it now. I'm not asking you again. That's even if she had the inclination to get her picture taken with Elmo in the first place. Realistically I think she would have walked past him and told Elmo what a pathetic loser he was and to get a real job.

I tell Nameless that it would be my pleasure to take her picture with Elmo. As she waited for Ricky and Bobbie-Lee from Omaha to finish up with Elmo Nameless notices that people are handing Elmo a dollar or two as a tip.
She expresses her concern to me that she's only in possession of bills far too large to tip Elmo. I tell her not to worry, that I, the adult in charge **snicker** ,will give her a dollar for proper compensation of future photographic acquisitions.

Nameless sees it is her turn to snuggle up to Elmo and smile big for the camera. Two quick flashes we were in possession of two stupendous pics of Nameless and Elmo.
Nameless, with her signature skip, came bouncing the twelve feet or so back to me to deposit the camera back into the camera bag while I dig around in my snazzy clutch for the promised dollar.
Camera neatly tucked away and dollar in hand Nameless skips back to a spot about half way between myself and Elmo.

She freezes when she sees that two of the NYPD's finest are questioning Elmo. Whom at this point has removed his head piece and I'm now sure Elmo's name is probably Jamal.

Nameless is still frozen with panic. I could tell she was using her precious, now 16 powers of reasoning and abstract thought to decide what her course of action should be.

She looked to Elmo/Jamal with cops and then back to me. Then to Elmo/Jamal with cops and then back to me. And again and again and again.
I thought the poor thing was gonna get whiplash.
As her reasoning and abstract thought skills are relatively new I decided to let her " cheat off my paper " and help her out.
I called her name in a loud whisper and motioned for her to come back to me. Time to impart another important lesson to Nameless;

When the cops show up you make like a tree and leave. Quietly and without drawing attention to yourself.

We eventually found our way back to the hotel where Nameless showed off our "free" pictures with she and Elmo to Mom.
Mom was quite impressed with the quality of the pictures and expressed that perhaps they were the best of the trip.

Then Nameless uttered the words that every parent wants to hear;

" Yeah, and then the Cops showed up ! "


XOXO
Bunny

Easier Said Than Done.

Look at one person who annoys you, and use the opportunity to counter your own anger and cultivate compassion.

This post as been brought to you by His Holiness The Dalai Lama via his Twitter page.

I'll leave you all to contemplate this and how it might be applicable to your existence.

Happy Columbus Day and Canadian Thanksgiving Everyone !

XO

Bunny

P.S. Had to turn the heat on for the first time today. 58 degrees in the house when I got up this morning. BRRRR !

I'm Not Entirely Sure...But,

I'm getting the feeling that my cats are under the impression that I purchase furniture solely for their collective comfort and enjoyment.

It seems to me that they think that The Mister and I's bed is really theirs and they are so gracious enough to let us sleep there at night.

If The Mister and I and our cats were ever to divorce the thought did cross my mind that Equatable Division Of The Assets would end with the cats being homeowners and The Mister and I living in an old refrigerator box under an overpass somewhere.

I was in HomeGoods yesterday (not ashamed to admit ) cruising through the clearance racks.
I found a throw pillow that read " Dogs Have Owners, Cats Have Stuff ".
It was supposed to read " Dogs Have Owners, Cats Have Staff. "

It would have been an entirely true statement and perhaps might have not had a permanent home on the clearance rack at HomeGoods had the poor embroidery machine operator somewhere in Vietnam not been illiterate.

Yep, my cats have Stuff alright, it just all happens to be mine.
My cats don't have Staff though. They have bitches. Me and The Mister.

XOXOXO
Bunny

Retro Music Friday.

I've been trying to read this book for damn near six months. I started to read it in June when I was on a two week hiatus. I got through the first couple of chapters, but then the shit started to get deep. " The Shit " meaning the subject matter of the book. Deep I'm telling you. Like when you look down a well and you're a little unnerved because you're unable to see the bottom, even in broad daylight.

I had to put to book down. Should I have tried to slog through it I risked my poor brain, or what is left of it, putting up a hell of a protest and oozing out of me ears like lumpy, maple spice flavored instant oatmeal.
My brain, had it had the ability to speak to me should I kept on reading, would have been like;

Listen Lady, you know what ? We've got nowhere to put deep, philosophical shit of this magnitude.
Sadly you've filled me up with a laundry list of phone numbers, Tom Petty song lyrics, stupid knock-knock jokes and.....and.....and...OH MY GOD WOMAN ! You really are nuts, you know that ? You wanna read this book and absorb it ? Clean out the closets ! Some of this stuff needs to go. How 'bout the names of your elementary school gym teachers ? Why don't we start there ? You really don't need that bit of information anymore.

So the book has been sitting on the back of my toilet for a while now. I look at it when I'm in the bathroom and feel like a wee bit of a failure that I've started it but have since been unable to finish it.
I often contemplate removing it from the bathroom and putting back on my bookshelf.
But for some reason I am unable to do so.
Maybe doing so would be admitting defeat on my part.

In my defense it is really a difficult read. Not literarically speaking, but as I have said, philosophically speaking.
One really needs to be in the proper frame of mind to read it, it's really not " bathroom reading ", meaning that you really need to pay attention. And paying attention is not one of my stronger points.
So far the only appropriate place to read this book, that I can surmise so far, is in an isolation chamber of total darkness - a spelunking helmet being ones only source of light.

As I am not in possession of either A) an isolation chamber or B) a spelunking helmet, the book continues to sit on the back of my toilet.

If I were to ask myself " What Would Zen Darrell Do ? " he'd probably tell me that " Universally Speaking " I am not ready to absorb the contents of the book and that when " The Student Is Ready The Teacher Will Appear ".

So, " Universally Speaking " the book will reside in my upstairs bath until further notice.

Ok, onto RMF.

I was in New York last weekend visiting my best-est cousin Steph and her super lovely, shall-remain-nameless daughter. We had a wonderful time. New York in the fall is fantastic. I highly recommend it.

As tends to happen with me, as I am the Pied Piper of Crazy, I had not been in the city for more than three hours before some random suit on the street complemented my ass - in not so many words - but I knew what he was getting at.

That was merely the first in a series of odd, sexually harassing incidents.

As my a$$ seems to have a fan club ( you think I'm kidding ?? ), here is Rumpshaker by Wreckx-N-Effect.

1992, I was sixteen and a sophomores in HS.

Have a lovely weekend !

XO

Bunny

P.S. Upon spell checking this post the word " bestest "( used to describe Steph ) came up as a misspelled word. One of the alternative suggestions it gave me was " Bustiest ".

Why People Hate Americans.

This post has been brought to you PEOPLEOFWALMART.COM

I could not make this shit up. I do not own Photoshop software. I found these pic as they are shown at PEOPLEOFWALMART.COM

I've typed PEOPLEOFWALMART.COM three times now. That means that you should all go over to PEOPLEOFWALMART.COM RIGHT NOW and take a look-see.

There are people who happen to be related to myself that expressed their displeasure at the increasing population of illegal immigrants whom call the good ol' U.S of A home.

Take a look peeps...... take a gander at PEOPLEOFWALMART.COM

98 % of the folks pictured on this site are red blooded American citizens. It seems to me that there is nary an illegal amongst them.

In case you were wondering, there is no WalMart in France. Or Italy. Or Russia. Germany, Poland, Iceland, Norway, Fiji, Australia boast no WalMart either. Iran, Egypt, South Africa, Luxembourg and Monaco. Nope, Nope, Nope, Nope and Nope.

The Bahamas, Finland, Greece, Turkey, Belgium, Belarus, Austria, Hungary, South Korea and Romania. You want a WalMart ? Tough shit.

I guess they just do not have a need for Vanilla Ice CDs and 10 packs of BVDs in any of those places.

For a list of the " International " WalMarts, CLICK HERE.

Yep, even America's ball cap Canada has a white trash population ( sorry Mumbles....).

For even more proof that American is,in fact, filled to the brim with the creme of the crop of Mensa candidates, CLICK HERE.

Oy Vey.

XOXO

Bunny

Retro Music Friday - Return Of The Parrot.

My favorite client " Parrot " returned from her summer vacation a few weeks ago. She happens to be....I really feel guilty saying this.....my favorite client. I shouldn't have favorites, but I do. Parrot, according to others, seems to feel as if I've hung the moon so to speak takes everything I say as.....well, her mother calls it " The gospel according to Bunny ".

Perhaps that is why she's my favorite. She does what I instruct her to do and never makes a fuss of any sort. Ever. Never nags me, makes be bribe her to get rid of unicorns or has any of the usual passive aggressive BS that many of our other clients have.

The one downside...well, maybe not downside, but...oh, I don't know.....caveat perhaps, is that she is one of our lower functioning clients. I cannot drop her on a street corner and tell her I'll see her next week as I can with others. I cannot let her pay for a cup of coffee without supervision. She requires at least a peripheral eye on her at all times. So, no BS, but I have to watch her all the time. A fair trade off, I think.

However as I have stated previously, she repeats everything I say. It can be pretty funny having your own words boomerang back at you channeled by someone with the mental capacity of a four-year old.

Earlier in the week I had taken her shopping at the newest LL Bean store in the area for some new threads. Upon exiting the parking lot there happened to be a half dozen or so middle aged men protesting LL Bean. They stand on the sidewalk and attempt to pass out flyers with regard to Bean's clothing being manufactured in sweatshops. I'm all for a good, old fashioned protest as free speech and the right to assemble ( although I think this one has more to do with religious gatherings, it could pertain to the Viagra poppers on the sidewalk too ) are our basic rights as Americans. However, it is annoying. A.Noy.Ing. They've been there for weeks. And I'm all Dude, I get it. Sweatshops. Child labor. Unfair wages. I get it. You don't need to tell me again. Shouldn't you all be sitting in McDonald's drinking coffee or something ?

At any rate, Parrot and I were exiting the parking lot, being held hostage by a red light, with the protesting Viagra poppers on the sidewalk not six feet from our car. As it was a nice day I had put Parrot's window down for some fresh air. But upon pulling up to the red light I rolled her window up ( power windows ) as I didn't want her to have to deal with these guys. She lacks the capacity to understand what they'd try to tell her and as I had no idea what the content of the flyer was I didn't want to subject her to anything that, again, she'd not have the capacity to understand and/or may traumatize her.

As the window closed I said, mostly to myself, " Geez, these guys need to quit standing on the sidewalk and get a job...."

I didn't think she heard me as, again, I was mostly talking to myself....

" Yeah, like these guys need to get a job. And like, quit standing on the sidewalk. I don't want your papers ! I'm not interested. No thank you. And stop standing on the sidewalk ! "

Cue the uncontrollable snickering on my part.

Fast forward to yesterday to the drive thru line at McDonald's.....I know what I said about " Diet Rehab " I know. I KNOW ! I was starving and desperate......... I ordered the Crispy Chicken meal, which I believe is the #7. Parrot was in the passenger's seat next to me and of course repeated what I had ordered;

" Oh, oh, Bunny ordered the Greasy Chicken sandwich. Oh, and like a diet coke and an, an, an apple pie. "

I ordered the #7 - the " Crispy Chicken ", but Parrot heard " Greasy Chicken ".

Reality Bites, doesn't it ?

And yes, it was an Apple Pie from McDonald's kind of day yesterday.

I used to think that most of life's problems could be solved with sex and alcohol, but I have since amended this.....most of life's problems can be solved with sex, alcohol and apple pie from McDonald's.

Ok, onto RMF.

I have a confession to make. You are all going to be totally shocked......that was sarcasm in case you couldn't tell......

I love New Kids On The Block. I do. Like, I luuuuuvvvvv the fact that they reunited briefly. It filled me with an unrestrained glee that is nearly impossible for me to contain - I feel like my twelve year old self again.

I realize that I have made it seem that my interest in them is of the " passing fancy " sort.......but I'm coming clean here.

I love New Kids On The Block. I have their new CD in my car and listen to it frequently. Although I hide it when I happen to have a friend in the car. I feel as if I have to hide my deep affection for Donnie, Danny, Jordan, Jonathan and Joe like it's my deepest, darkest secret.

I'm not a cutter, a klepto, a nympho, I don't do illegal drugs, I've never cheated on my spouse, I've never even cut the tags off my mattress.

I love New Kids On The Block.

But I am not going to subject any of you to a NKOTB video. Instead I give you........

Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch.

This would be Mark Wahlberg, brother of Donnie Wahlberg, circa 1991. I believe this song was produced by Donnie.

I was 15 and a sophmore in HS when this came out.

Enjoy.

XOXOXO

Bunny

Stacy's Mom - Minstrel Of Satan.

I'm beginning to realize that there is stuff that only I know of. As I've explained previously it's as if I am the sole occupant of Planet Bunny. Jeopardy could have a category named " Stuff Only Bunny Knows. ", you get the idea.

99% of the time the knowledge only I seem to possess is very obscure. I suppose I could compare my offhand trivial tidbits, my SOAK-ness** if you will, to what it must be like for someone to be visiting a foreign country and not speak the native language. I'll utter some random fact or quote a line from a John Hughes movie ( This is a very nutritious lunch Brian, all the food groups are represented. Did your Mom marry Mr. Rogers ? ) and people look at me like, well, I'm from another planet.

There are some things that I take for granted that everyone must know about. Like YouTube.
But sometimes, like today, I have the chance to brighten someones horizons with all the useless crap that floats around in my head.

I introduced one of our clients to YouTube. It was as if I just gave an alcoholic the keys to a bar.
He, one half of " The Unicorn " couple, had no previous knowledge of YouTube. And I was all like;

" Oh Mr. Unicorn Man, let me show you the world of cookies and kittens and rainbows that is YouTube ! "

I pulled up the intro to The A - Team. Then the Miami Vice intro, then Knight Rider, then Magnum P.I., then Laverne and Shirley, then Happy Days, and so on and so on.
Ok, but first I did show him The Grape Smashing Lady and then The A - Team, etc, etc.

And he, eyebrows raised so high they nearly became unattached from his head, was all like;

" Oh crazy lunatic woman ! Why has nobody shared with me the world of cookies and kittens and rainbows that is YouTube ! I will love you like no other for the next five minutes you crazy lunatic woman ! "

After we pulled the DeLorean back into the parking lot after visiting the 80's I decided that even though retro TV themes were awesome, he really needed some PG soft core porn.
So I introduced him to Stacy's Mom - after his wife left the room of course.



One look at Rachel Hunter's tennis-skirted thighs ( :10 sec mark ) and he gave me a look like;

" Should I really be watching this ?? Like, am I gonna get in trouble here ? "

Then Stacy's Mom / Rachel Hunter began to disrobe ( :58 sec mark ) and I could sense that if he still had the ability to speak he would have requested that I leave him alone with Ms. Hunter.

At that point I excused myself with a " Bye Mr. Unicorn Man. " and walked out of the room.
Mr. Unicorn Man could not remove his eyes from the screen, but did manage a half-hearted
" Yeah... umm...bye. "

You are totally welcome Mr. Unicorn Man.

Xo
Bunny

** My co-worker Cookiegirl83's brother seems to also possess an encyclopedic knowledge of useless crap. Due to this she and her family members have begun referring to him at THE SOAK - The Source Of All Knowledge.

Insanely Cute And Accutely Insane.

Guess what happened to me Thursday ? G'head, guess. You're never gonna guess.....go ahead, just try.

Give up ?

I've come to realize that the reason none of you can/want to ever guess what happened to me when I say " Guess what happened to me ? " is because the sheer magnitude and intensity of crazy shit that happens to me is, well, mind blowing.

I'll just go ahead and tell you.

I was attacked by a squirrel. Uh huh. Attacked. By a squirrel.

As the details of my rodent acostment are still sketchy due to my squirrel attack induced PTSD, I do vaguely remember being totally disarmed by his cuteness only to see him, shortly after I remarked " Awww...what a cute little squirrel !", fly through the air only to land on my cute, strappy,wedge heeled feet.

I swear I heard him say " HIAH ! " as I watched him fly through the air spread eagle. I couldn't quite believe what I was seeing and so as my brain tried to process what was happening, well, everything seemed to be in slow motion.

" Oh my god, that.....squirrel is....flying......through the.......... air........ and.....................oh my god..............I......I think he's going....to land on my feeeeeet. "

Of course having no previous squirrel attack under my belt as a frame of reference I had no idea that I would respond by running around in a small circle and shrieking like a little girl.

And wouldn't you know I was with a client.
She found the entire sequence of events to be completely hilarious.

For a better understanding of how it is that I came to be attacked by a squirrel I should tell you that the above referenced client and I were seated outdoors reading magazines while we were waiting for a ride to come pick her up.

Not at all frightened by my interpretive dance the effing squirrel ran not three feet away from me and CAME BACK FOR MORE !

At this point I was dancing, shrieking, waving a magazine and verbally abusing a small woodland creature.

" Listen jackass, get the hell away from me ! NO ! GO AWAY ASSBAG ! GIT ! I SWEAR I'LL KICK YOUR ASS ! GIT GIT GIT !

Shortly after my tirade I felt that perhaps I should have done a better job of censoring myself as it is less than professional to be cursing in front of a client.
I justified it by thinking A) she's an adult and I'm sure has heard worse in her life and B) the whole episode probably made her day as she was laughing uncontrollably.

Guess what ? The effing rat came back for more ! This time he decided that he was going to give my client a try and slinked up to her.
She went all Clint Eastwood on him, complete with the stink eye, and generally made him fear for his life.
I guess Death By Rolled Up Magazine was not on his agenda for the afternoon so he saw fit to make his way over to the dumpster.

She and I waited a bit longer for her ride to appear and when I said PTSD I totally meant it as every time I saw a chipmunk or a leaf fly across the parking lot out of the corner of my eye I jumped about twelve feet.


Later in the day I called my cousin to relate the events of the morning to her. I shared with her that no matter how crappy her day was I was gonna bet money that the recounting of her day to her Hubs would not culminate in telling him that she was attacked by a squirrel.

Effing squirrel.

XO
Bunny

Flu!

I think I ate about a pound and a half of fruit salad and three danish type thingies at a staff meeting today in an effort of keep my mouth busy doing something other than letting a stream of obscenities come out of it.

No doubt you're wondering what subject matter was so bothersome to me that I had to use every last drop of willpower I possessed to keep my inner Denis Leary from making an appearance.

Drumroll please..........

The Flu!

More to the point...how to educate forty some odd mentally disabled people about Flu! etiquette and prevention.

First off, you can't kill The Flu! by talking it to death for AN HOUR.

Four pieces of pineapple down the hatch.

Dancing and singing at an in-service about The Flu! won't kill it either.

Six blueberries....mmmmmmm, mighty tasty !

Nor can you kill The Flu! by making people watch videos on YouTube.

Damn this pecan thing from Panera is the bomb !

Making ME get dressed up in the likeness of a Flu! bug and dance and sing most certainly will not kill Flu! bugs either.

I wonder if it would be rude to take the last of the blueberry danish... ?? Four strawberries popped in my piehole....mmmmmm.

So yeah, today's staff meeting was two hours of my life that I, unfortunately, will never get back.

What would I have done had today's staff meeting taken place in some alternate space and time ??

Drumroll please...............

** Slams down plate full of pastries and half-pound of fruit salad **

OK LISTEN, WE CAN ALL TALK AND TALK AND TALK....... BUT SOME OF US, CLIENTS INCLUDED, ARE GONNA GET THE F'ING FLU! NO MATTER HOW MUCH F'ING EDUCATION WE PROVIDE THEM OR HOW MANY INDIVIDUAL F'ING BOTTLES OF F'ING HAND SANITIZERS WE GIVE THEM. WE CAN DANCE AND SING UNTIL THE F'ING COWS COME HOME BUT LISTEN TO ME.....SOME OF US WILL GET THE F'ING FLU! REGARDLESS. IS IT GOING TO SUCK ? YES ! BUT GUESS WHAT ? LIFE JUST F'ING SUCKS SOMETIMES AND PEOPLE GET THE F'ING FLU! IT HAPPENS ! I'VE LISTENED TO YOU ALL BLAHHH BLITTY BLAHHH BLAAHH FOR A F'ING HOUR AND I CAN'T LISTEN TO THIS SHIT ANYMORE ! I SEE YOUR MOUTHS MOVING, BUT ALL I'M HEARING IS CHARLIE BROWN'S TEACHER....WAAAHHHH WAHHHH WHHAAAAAA.......

IT'S THE F'ING FLU! NOT THE F'ING NUCLEAR HOLOCAUST !

YOU WANT FLU! PREVENTION.....HERE IT IS. WRITE THIS DOWN PEEPS, I'M ONLY GONNA SAY THIS SHIT ONCE.

#1. WASH YOUR F'ING HANDS !

#2. GET A F'ING FLU! SHOT IF YOU'RE ELDERLY, PREGNANT OR A SMALL CHILD.

#3. IF YOU'RE SICK STAY THE F*CK HOME.

DAMN IT ALL TO HELL PEOPLE, IF I KNEW STAFF MEETING WAS GOING TO BE THIS MUCH FUN F'ING TODAY I WOULD HAVE STAYED THE F*CK HOME AND READ MY NEW ISSUE OF HOUSE F'ING BEAUTIFUL !

**picks plate of danish thingies and fruit salad back up and resumes eating **


An to top it off I was VERY RUDELY interrupted by another employee of my agency yesterday when he decided that he JUST HAD TO TELL MY BOSS THAT ACCORDING TO THE CDC SHE'S BEEN CROSS CONTAMINATING THE HAND SANITIZER BOTTLES !

And I'm all like...OK dude, don't worry, 'cause you know, nothing I was sitting in my boss's office talking to her about was more important than CROSS CONTAMINATING THE HAND SANITIZERS ! I mean, my God...I'm sorry for even, you know, having the nerve to exist and breathe and whatnot WHEN THERE ARE HAND SANITIZER BOTTLES BEING ARE BEING CROSS CONTAMINATED ! OH THE F'ING HUMANITY !

You know, I've worked for this agency for nearly seven years and I have absolutely no clue what he does. I really don't. Not that I really care. Unfortunately he's one of those guys that thinks because he's in possession of a penis that somehow what he has to say is way more important that anyone else - you know, those of us without penises......... D-bag.

My friend " K " put a neat little bow on all of this Flu! talk;

" You know, everyone is entitled to their opinion, but when their opinions are really lame it make them really hard to deal with. "

Why do I keep writing Flu! with an exclamation point ?? Total plagiarism. CLICK HERE.

So yeah, wash your hands peeps.

XO
Bunny

P.S.
Jon Knight is still hot.