Think Doctors are smart ? Guess again. I am convinced that in some instances M.D. stands for Major Dumbass and / or Douchebag depending on the situation at hand.
I have had an unquantifiable number of interactions of medical professionals. Some " get it " and some don't.
I found out yesterday that one I thought " got it " clearly does / did not. This is the point wherein my job is causing an exponential increase in my Vodka bills. I prefer Kettle One and believe you me, that shit ain't cheap.
* Note to self - find Package store that offers home delivery *
At any rate, as I was saying....I needed this particular Doctor to sign his name and nothing else to one, ONE piece of paper and fax it back to me. Easy enough for those of us with an IQ greater than a bowl of Corn Flakes, right ?
I had to call this Doctor three times. Three. Times. I left three messages. Three messages speaking to the fact that I needed him to sign the paper I had faxed to him and then take the very same paper and fax it back to me. I spoke with his secretary ( she is worthy of an entire blog post unto herself...no time for any witty literary observations about her right now.....but sufficed to say if you pay peanuts you get monkeys.) who advised me to call his pager service and talk to him myself...I know what you're all thinking...... " But Bunny, isn't that her job ??" You would think. I paged him via his answering service. No return call.
As flames were shooting from my ears I thought it best to wait until the next day and call again. I spoke with the secretary again and tried in vain to communicate my needs to her, which at this point was like trying to communicate IKEA furniture assembly directions to a baboon.
She suggested that since I was trying to procure this ONE piece of paper on behalf of a third party I should have the third party call him on his answering service.
I guess to this point I have failed to tell all of you, dear readers, that I was merely the middle man in all of this.
I got in touch with persons of authority in the third party and communicated my needs to them. And since it had been a few weeks without the third party calling me to request this piece of paper I thought all was good.
But last night - at 6:30 PM - while I was driving home. My work week done. - my cell phone rang.
It was the third party. They still do not have the paper in question.
I refrained from verbalizing a stream of obscenities and was quite proud of myself for sounding as professional as I did despite the flesh that had begun to melt from my face. . I assured them that I would handle this problem today - on my day off.
As my cell phone has not stopped ringing for oh.....eight months ( even on my days off )....I had had enough. After I hung up with the third party I shut my phone off.
As I pulled into the driveway last night I noticed that The Mister was in the back yard mowing the lawn. I stood at the edge of the lawn a significant distance from him and waited to make eye contact with him. After a moment or so our eyes met. We smiled at each other. I held up my cell phone for him to see it. He looked at me quizzically. I then - doing my best impression of Josh Beckett - launched my cell as far as I could. I think it landed in the woods. I then turned around and went back to the driveway to retrieve the remainder of my things from my car. The Mister ( love him ! ) shut the mower off and found my cell. He then came up to the porch, cell in hand, brushed the dirt from it and turned it on to make sure it still worked.
It did. He then set the phone down on the patio table.
Guess what happened not 15 seconds after he set it down?
IT RANG AGAIN !
The Mister laughed kind of this Oh-my-god-you're-right-this-fucker-never-stops-ringing-I-thought-you-were-just-being-a-bit-of-a-drama-queen-now-I-finally-get-why-you-appear-to-be-losing-your-marbles laugh.
OK, I got off track there.......
Here is an open letter to the Doctor who I'm pretty sure is going to give me an ulcer.
Dear Dr. (_____),
I realize that you are a very busy man. I have no doubts that I am a small pebble, an insignificant gnat if you will, in the grand scheme of things that require your attention. I am willing to overlook the fact that your secretary took the time to finish a piece of chocolate cake while siting at the reception desk before she chose to address me while I stood not two feet from her for at least ten minutes. Or that time you were 45 minutes late for an appointment. Or that time you were an hour late for an appointment.
I'm willing to overlook the cat fur that always seems to be stuck to your pant legs - or the fact that you don't seem to own a comb.
I'm willing to overlook the fact that you display behavior much like that of a Muppet on crack. Cause really, I think you might possibly be on the spectrum and may be in need of services much like the ones I provide.
But all that aside, if you would be so kind as to fulfill this one request I have I can promise you I will remove myself from your uncombed hair. I'll make this easy for you.....I'm going to talk you through this much like I have to explain things to one of my clients..... Ready ?
Look through your inbox and find the paper I faxed to you. In fact it might be two papers as I also employed the use of a cover sheet.
Find it ? OK good. Now see the second page ? No - that is the cover sheet, put that aside for now....Nope. Put that down, we don't need the cover sheet yet. The second paper. Yep, that one.
Ok, now see at the bottom of the page ? The big X ? See it? No, look at the bottom of the page. The bottom. No, don't turn the page over. Look at the bottom of the page for the very large X. See it ? The Big X ? Ok good, you found it. Now get a pen. It's ok, I can wait - just find a pen. Got a pen ? Oooo, you're right, that is a nice pen. But lets not get distracted here....ok, ooop...I'm pretty sure that pen does not have a cap. It looks like a click pen to me. No, don't pull it apart,it clicks...no..stop pulling it....it clicks. Put your thumb on the end...no, the other end. Now press down. Hear it click ? Remember that for next time.
Alright, now...you remember the big X at the bottom of the page ? Ok now sign your name. No, not my name...YOUR NAME.
Wow, nice job writing your name !
Ok, now you need to go find the fax machine. Wait wait, take the cover sheet with you. The cover sheet....you put it down. Yeah, we need that now. Got both papers now ? Fantastic. Now the fax machine. I'm pretty sure the secretary knows where it is. Find it? Good. I know, just brush the chocolate cake crumbs off it. Now, remember that cover sheet, the one where I wrote that I needed you to sign the second paper ? See where at the top of the page there is a bunch of numbers ? Look at the top of the page...see the address ? Now look underneath the address...there are a bunch of numbers...the first one that reads PHONE next to it, underneath that one..see where it reads FAX ? The numbers....yep, those are the ones. Now put the paper you signed down in the top of the machine, no..the other way. With all the words down so you can't see them. It's ok, it doesn't matter what way in goes in there...just make it so you see the blank side of the page.
Now see all the number buttons on the top of the machine ? Stop touching the paper, it's fine. The numbers....no, stop touching the paper. See the buttons that look like a phone ? Those. Now press the numbers next to....what did you do with the cover sheet ? It was just here...where is it ? Well, we need to find it. Ooop..hold on, I think it fell on the floor. Ok, now remember the numbers next to the word FAX ? Stop touching the paper in the machine. Leave it alone, it's fine. Now see where it looks like a phone ? No, don't pick up the phone. No it's not really a phone, it just looks like one. That is really confusing, I know. Press the numbers on the top of the machine just like they appear right next to where it reads FAX. PUT THE PHONE DOWN ! FOCUS ! We're almost done here. Ok, did you press all the numbers ? You sure ? Ok, now press the green button that has the word SEND on it. No, the green button. No, not that button. The one that is green. Wait, are you color blind ? No ? You sure ? Just checking. Now press the green button. Yep, that one. You don't have to hold it down. Stop pressing it. Take your finger off it. Now wait a second...does it sound like a phone dialing ? DON'T PICK UP THE PHONE !
It's dialing, that's good. No....no the paper in the top of the machine is supposed to do that...no....don't pull it out. No - it's supposed to do that. See, look it comes out the other side ? I know, pretty cool huh ? Is it all the way through on the the other side ? OK ! We're done. Nice job. You worked really hard on that ! I think we can get a treat now. Wanna go to Starbucks ? How does a frappacino and a cookie sound ? Sounds good to me too.
As I am profoundly tired of listening to the 1-800-54-GIANT commercials on the radio I put my 80's box set in the car not long ago. I heard this song on one of the CDs last night. I laughed as it seems to fit my current situation to a T.
This is Words by Missing Persons.
1981, I was 5.
Lyrics are HERE.
Have a nice Friday all !
XO
Bunny
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