So What Have You Been Up To Since 2005 ?

Since 2005 I have,

* Undergone gyn surgery with Dr. HotShot in an effort to make my ute a more hospitable place for a fetus.
* Nagged my gyn when after several months I was still not pregnant.
* Use OPKs and still not pregnant.
* Switched gyns after getting royally pissed with Dr. HotShot.
* Gyn # 2 ran tests on me only to find that I do not ovulate ( major foreshadowing here..)
* Gyn #2 recommends Clomid.
* Surprise ! Bunny gets pregnant with twins w/o clomid.
* Bunny miscarries twins ( for the third time)
* Bunny gets referred to Dr. FancyPants in Boston
* Bunny gets poked, prodded and tested for everything in the book.
* Bunny sees a hematologist
* Bunny gets enough blood drawn to save a trauma victim.
* Bunny sees the inside of her ute with a camera. ( have you seen yours ? )
* Dr. FancyPants runs more tests and recommends more surgery ( surprise ! Dr. Hotshot does a crappy job with surgery #1 )
* Dr. FancyPants recommends one more test.
* Dr. FancyPants finds out that Bunny has almost no eggs left and the ones I do have are total shit.
* The Mister and I decided to adopt
* The Mister and I go to an adoption open house.
* The Mister and I decided to adopt from China.
* The Mister and I are home studied, background checked, medical examined, hep A and B vaccinated, TB tested, finger printed and pre-adoptive parent counseled.
* The Mister and I get a dossier ready, have it checked at the MA Sec of state office, then have it checked again ( in person )at the Chinese Consulate in NYC
* Finally we have a dossier mailed to China.

So - how have y'all been ?

As you may or may not know, things have not been going super great on the adoption front. Don't misunderstand me, nothing has gone wrong - but not a whole lot is going great. If that makes any sense.
China is at a virtual standstill and we realize that we, given our late log in date, may not see a referral for perhaps three to four more years.
We spoke with our social worker last week about what our other options are, as I do not wish to be 40 with a kindergartener.. Turns out we have almost no other options.

* For reasons I won't summarize Korea and Kazakhstan are not an options for us.

*We can't afford the $40K price tag for a domestic adoption. And with regard to domestic adoption we also realize that we would never in this lifetime get chosen by birth parents.

*We are also able to consider a waiting child ( minor / moderate medical needs ), however if you express interest in a WC your application will go to a committee for evaluation. According to our SW, the committee usually give preference to the folks waiting longer. Again, given our late log in date this is not in our favor and will most likely not be a scenario for us.

Vietnam is really our only other choice. They just reopened for International Adoptions last year. However the agreement the the U.S. and Vietnam forged is only good through March of 2008. Both governments will revisit the issue of remaining open for International adoptions soon. There have been considerable issues with Vietnam, including accusations of baby selling and / or trafficking and the Vietnamese government failing to produce a concrete fee schedule as promised during in the agreement. Discussions on the adoption boards are very heated regarding Vietnam and I don't like what I am hearing.

I have spoken with other agencies regarding adopting from Vietnam ( our agency does not have a VN program.) and what they've had to say has been very encouraging. One agency told me that they could have our dossier to VN in a month. And there is only a 4 to 6 month wait for a boy. Great !
What happens if VN closes their IA program ? No one really knows. As with any adoption, there are no guarantees.

We are also exploring adopting from the foster care system. We could potentially get an infant.
However most infants in the foster care system come with a certain amount of legal risk.
Get a baby and have it taken away...mmmmm...no thanks.

I have also out the word out to family and friends that we are seeking a baby. I've asked them if they know of anyone who is expecting and is unable or unwilling to parent their child to please keep us in mind. I sent this out in a mass email and in hindsight I realize that it probably made me seem a little nuts. But as our SW said - If we want to catch a fish, we have to put another line in the water.

I have come to the sad realization that we may never have a family. I know this is harsh, but it is a reality. Just because you put your dossier in at another country does not guarantee you a baby. Nothing does.

This opinion is not necessarily shared by the management. The Mister seems to be holding out hope that our kid is out there somewhere and will get here eventually. He keeps telling me that we need to be " level headed and make good measured steps toward what we want. "
I am having a very hard time sharing this sentiment. After everything we've gone through I'm not sure how much more I can take. You'd think that starting a family would be the easiest, most natural thing to do. But we are living, breathing proof that it is not.
It blows my mind that people just get it on and 9 months later a baby results. Blows. My. Mind.

Right now I have very little hope that we will ever have a family and have been trying to make peace with this.
I was on one of my adoption boards the other day when another PAP ( perspective adoptive parent ) wrote in very discouraged about IA. I proceed to be cheerleader and told her not to give up, blah blah blah. So now I feel like a hypocrite- I can't follow my own freakin' advice !

I'd like to say that at least I have my health, but apparently I do not have that either.
I seem to have some sort of mystery medical issue that requires a specialist. I've been ill for quite some time, however the wait for this particular specialist is six weeks. I have less than two to go before my appointment.

So, in summation - I do not feel like I have much more get-back-in-the-saddle left in me. In fact, I feel like the damn horse has kicked me square in the chest and I'm lying face down in a pile of horse crap.
This is how I feel today.
Tomorrow may be a different story.

:::::::sigh:::::::

Bunny