Surrender.

As you may or may not know by now, my BIL & SIL were matched with another birth mother. This birth mother is due Nov. 1st. I am happy for them as the last time they were matched with birth parents it ended poorly for them.
Now, same as before they chose not to tell us over the phone, we had to read about it on their blog. Which sort of makes us feel like a couple of lepers, but I digress.

However, this info was met with mixed emotion at our house. I chose to put my head down my desk and sob uncontrollably. Brock merely stated that he was frustrated, but beyond that did not want to discuss anything. So last night he ignored my occasional sobbing, and I did not discuss anything with him. Totally healthy way to deal with it, I know.

Beyond the occasional sobbing, I had a roller coaster of emotions.
I cried because I too was frustrated as we'd been chasing the baby rainbow for 2.5 years now and have nothing to show for it.
Then.....
I felt like an ass for sobbing and having a pity party when I know I should be happy for the two of them.
Which.....
made me feel like an even bigger ass.
And then....
I felt horrendously guilty.

I tossed an turned for a while in the middle of the night last night. As I lay awake last night I wondered to myself what would Darrell do ? ( remember Darrell ? the bliss / zen-ness that I so envy. ) And I thought about what Darrell would do if he were me, or if I asked his advice.
Darrell would probably tell me that;

1. Sobbing, guilt and pity parties are not useful emotions and will not make the situation any better.
because....
2. The universe is doing exactly what it should be doing. ( i.e. our baby will get here when she is ready )
so...
3. I should surrender all of these useless emotions and believe that there are larger forces at work here.

Big D has a way of making me look at the larger picture and for some reason it makes me feel better.
So, I didn't even have to ask him because I already knew what he was going to say.
Now that is a guru !

Now this does not mean that I didn't fight back the tears in the car today. I felt like I was being held together with gum and scotch tape today...........

::::::sigh::::::::

Do you guys remember in a previous post that I had stated that I felt that the entire world was geared toward dairy ? ( I was asked to take my Starbucks out of our fav breakfast place this weekend. Which meant that I had to have diet coke for breakfast 'cause assholes don't have soy milk for my damn coffee. another rant for another time. )

I am beginning to feel like the whole world is geared toward those who can give birth. Those of us who cannot and choose to adopt are sort of stranded on a desert island. Don't misunderstand me, I am so grateful for all of the love and support we've gotten from everyone. It means the world to us.
But unless you've adopted you just don't get it. I know people want to get it. I know they try to get it. I've had some folks say some very well meaning but misguided things to me. I know what they mean, I do. I know that they want to see us with a baby as badly as we want to have a baby.
But......
I think that well meaning but misguided comments come from a lack of education. Think about it, if you want to find out about the issues of adopters and adoptees, their stories and what not, you really have to go on a scavenger hunt. Not that adoption doesn't have a societal acceptance, it just doesn't get discussed everyday.
Barnes & Noble have a very small section in there stores regarding adoption. ( to their credit there is a larger selection online )
Want a card for the new parents? Hallmark has more than I care to think about.
They have 3 ( if you're lucky ) for adoptive parents.

And because adoption is not discussed at the same rate as pregnancy and childbirth there are still a lot of misconceptions. For example, people thinking that it must be so easy to adopt, just go out and get a baby. How hard can it be ? Adoption is by no means the easy route. Adoptive parents suffer, and we suffer for a long time.

So I think that now, along with my little 'nother month bites the dust sesame street posts I am going to attach info regarding adoption so we can all be educated together.

That is all I have for today.
I love all y'all, but dudes I am tapped out.


XXOO
Bunny